SCENE 1 (Part Scene Only)

OLD PEKING

 Curtain up on lively street scene, Chinese style buildings stand stage left, WIDOW TWANKY’S laundry stands stage right, if you have a back drop a Chinese palace can be seen in the distance.  A washing line hangs in front of laundry with a pile of washing next to it including a large white sheet.   WISHY WASHY sits with back against a building stage left, he is sleeping.  TOWNSPEOPLE are moving about in groups, chatting to one another, many hold piles of dirty washing, children are playing.

 SONG 1  Lively chorus number performed by TOWNSPEOPLE.

 Song finishes, TOWNSPERSON 1 looks closely at WISHY WASHY.

 TOWNSPERSON 1:  I can’t believe he slept through all of that.

 TOWNSPERSON 2:  Wishy Washy can sleep through anything, if sleeping was a sport he’d be world champion.

 TOWNSPERSON 1:  Even so, I think he should have woken up for our singing, our timing was impeccable.

 TOWNSPERSON 3:  He’s going to be in trouble if his mum finds him.

 TOWNSPERSON 4:  Perhaps we should try and wake him.

 TWANKY:  (offstage)   Wishy Washy!

 TOWNSPERSON 3:  Too late.

 WIDOW TWANKY enters from laundry.

 TWANKY:  Wishy Washy!   Oh, where is that useless boy?  (notices TOWNSPEOPLE)  Oh good morning everyone.

 TOWNSPEOPLE:  Good morning, Widow Twanky.

 TWANKY:  Have any of you seen that good-for-nothing son of mine?

 TOWNSPERSON 2:  Which one, you have two.

 ALL laugh.

 TWANKY:  That’s true.   I’ll settle for Wishy Washy, he can’t be far away, I’ll say this for him, he may be lazy but at least he doesn’t put much effort into it.

 TOWNSPERSON 4:  (pointing to WISHY WASHY)  There he is Widow Twanky, sleeping like a baby.

 TWANKY:  Ahh, bless him, he looks so sweet.  I feel the same way as all mothers do when they see their babies sleeping so peacefully.  Irritated.  (goes to WISHY WASHY.  Shouting)  Wake up you lazy oaf!  (nothing happens)  It’s no good, I can’t shout loud enough.  (notices AUDIENCE)   Hello, what do we have here?  Visitors if I’m not mistaken, and such nice looking ones as well if I may say so, very clean, if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s a grubby audience.  Greetings visitors from afar, welcome to Old Peking.  Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Widow Twanky, proprietor of Widow Twanky’s Laundry.   It was left to me by my late husband, and I mean late, he never could turn up to anything on time, he even missed his own funeral.   We ended up having the funeral at the same time this young couple were getting married.  Having his coffin standing next to the bridesmaids completely ruined the photos.   I was so embarrassed, I would have killed him if he hadn’t already been dead.  Unfortunately my two sons have picked up his bad habits.  My first son is Aladdin, he’s handsome and brave and as useless as blind guide dog, and the other is Wishy Washy who’s just plain useless.  I know, you could all give me a hand waking him up.  Here’s what I want you to do, after the count of three, I want you all to shout out “wakey, wakey, Wishy Washy” as loud as you can, will you do that?

AUDIENCE:  Yes.

TWANKY:  Oh wonderful, I wish my sons were as helpful as you.  Let’s give it a try.  One, two, three.

AUDIENCE+CHORUS:  Wakey, wakey, Wishy Washy.

TWANKY looks closely at WISHY WASHY.

TWANKY:  You’re going to have to shout louder than that boys and girls.  Let’s have another go.  One, two, three.

AUDIENCE+CHORUS:  Wakey, wakey, Wishy Washy.

TWANKY checks WISHY WASHY again.

TWANKY:  Still not loud enough, boys and girls, let’s give it one more try.  One, two, three.

AUDIENCE+CHORUS:  Wakey, wakey, Wishy Washy.

WISHY WASHY wakes up with a start.

WISHY WASHY:  I’m up, I’m up, I wasn’t sleeping.

TWANKY:  You were sleeping you lazy oaf, you’re always sleeping.

WISHY WASHY:  Well I’ve had a very stressful morning.

TWANKY:  (dubiously)   And how have you come to that conclusion, you’ve been asleep the entire time.          

WISHY WASHY:  I know, but I was dreaming I was awake.  (shudders)  What a nightmare.

TWANKY:  Well, now that you are awake you can do some work.

WISHY WASHY:  Work?  Wait a minute, I’m awake and you want me to do work?  Oh no, my dream’s coming true, any minute now a six foot rabbit is going to come on and ask me if I go south of the river.

TWANKY:  I really wonder what goes on in your head sometimes.

WISHY WASHY:  As little as possible if I have anything to do with it.  Anyway, why have I got to do the work, why can’t Aladdin do it?

TWANKY:  Oh you know your brother, I can never find him.  He’s probably off somewhere getting into some sort of trouble.

WISHY WASHY:  He always gets out of working.

TWANKY:  Only because he’s better at hiding, you’d get out of it too if you went anywhere further than your own doorstep.

WISHY WASHY:  So if I find a better hiding place, I won’t have to do any work.  Cool. 

WISHY WASHY begins running left, gets a few steps, stops and falls asleep.

TWANKY:  Useless, utterly useless.  Let’s wake him up again boys and girls.  After three, one, two, three.

AUDIENCE+CHORUS:  Wakey, wakey, Wishy Washy.

WISHY WASHY:  (waking up)   What?  Who?  When?  How did you find me?

TWANKY:  A woman can sense these things.  Now pay attention, we’ve got lots of work to do.  We’ve been given the honour of doing the laundry of the Royal Family, now we can’t afford any mistakes, you know what the Empress is like, if her laundry goes back anything less than perfect it will be off with our heads.

WISHY WASHY:  Does that mean we’ll be washing Princess Jasmine’s clothes as well?

TWANKY:  Of course it does, apparently the Empress is hoping to marry her off, so she’ll want her clothes looking extra special.

WISHY WASHY:  Wow, Princess Jasmine’s clothes.  Can I sleep in them?

TWANKY:  They’ll be all sweaty and horrible.

WISHY WASHY:  Wow, Princess Jasmine’s sweat.  Can I…?

TWANKY:  Don’t even think about finishing that sentence.  What’s so special about Princess Jasmine?

WISHY WASHY:  I love her.

TWANKY:  You’ve never met her, no one has ever met her, the Empress has said that any commoner who looks upon the face of her daughter will have his head cut off.

WISHY WASHY:  I know, but it’s said that she’s the most beautiful girl in the whole world.

General chorus of agreement from TOWNSPEOPLE.

TWANKY:  But nobody has ever seen her, how do you know that?

WISHY WASHY:  I just know, and one day I’m going to marry her.  (TWANKY and TOWNSPEOPLE all begin laughing.)  What’s so funny?  I have many qualities that women admire.

TWANKY:  Name one.

WISHY WASHY:  I’m macho.   (ALL laugh)  Hard-working.  (ALL laugh harder)   Ruggedly handsome.

ALL laugh harder still.   

TWANKY:  Well if nothing else you’ll be able to make the Princess laugh.  All this standing around isn’t getting any work done.  (to TOWNSPEOPLE)  Right then everyone, if you’ve got washing for us, hand it over.

SONG 2  Lively chorus number sung by TWANKY, WISHY WASHY and TOWNSPEOPLE.  During song they hang up washing on line, including a big white sheet and TOWNSPEOPLE hand over piles of washing which they take into laundry.

WISHY WASHY:  Can we take a break yet?

TWANKY:  No we can’t, we’ve got too much work to do.  (to TOWNSPEOPLE)  Now clear off you lot, we can’t get any work done with all of you hanging around.  (TOWNSPEOPLE exit to wings)  And Wishy Washy, inside and get working.

 WIDOW TWANKY and WISHY WASHY exit to laundry.  ALADDIN creeps on left.

ALADDIN:  Phew, I thought they were never going to go away.  All this trying to get out of hard work is beginning to feel too much like hard work.  Still, anything beats working in that stupid laundry, that’s not the life for me, I want a life of great adventure and excitement.  Providing of course it’s well paid adventure and excitement with sociable hours and a good pension plan.  (notices AUDIENCE)  Hello, what do we have here?  Visitors by the look of it, and all from the far-west if I’m not mistaken.  Greetings visitors from afar, my name’s Aladdin Twanky and I bid you welcome to Old Peking.  To let you into a little secret I’m not supposed to be standing here talking to you, I’m supposed to be working, but working in that laundry is really boring so I’m hiding from my mum, Widow Twanky.  Have you met my mum yet?

AUDIENCE:  Yes.

ALADDIN:  If she found me hanging around out here, I’d be in for it, so I’d better keep my…

TWANKY:  (offstage)   Aladdin?

ALADDIN:  Oh no, she must have heard me, I’ll have to hide all over again.  (runs to washing line)  Don’t give me away, boys and girls.

ALADDIN hides underneath sheet.  TWANKY enters from laundry.

TWANKY:  Aladdin?  Where is that boy, I could have sworn I heard him out here.   (to AUDIENCE)  Have you seen Aladdin, boys and girls?

ALADDIN pokes his head out from under sheet and mimes “no”.

AUDIENCE:  No.

TWANKY:  It must have been my imagination.  Wishy Washy!

WISHY WASHY:  (offstage)   What?

TWANKY:  Come out here and bring that washing with you.

WISHY WASHY enters from laundry carrying washing basket laden with washing, he puts it down in front of ALADDIN.  WISHY WASHY and TWANKY are facing AUDIENCE, WISHY WASHY is standing in front of washing basket.

WISHY WASHY:  Can I go back to sleep yet?

ALADDIN comes out from behind sheet and picks up washing basket and puts it to the left of TWANKY then hides under sheet again.

TWANKY:  No you can’t go back to sleep, we’ve got work to do.  Now pick up that washing and hang it on the line.

WSIHY WASHY:  (sighs)   Yes, mum.  (WISHY WASHY turns to pick up basket)  It’s gone.

TWANKY:  What do you mean it’s gone?  It can’t have gone.

WISHY WASHY:  I put it down here and now it’s gone.

TWANKY begins looking around.

TWANKY:  Well you must have put it somewhere else.  (turns to go left, trips over basket)  You stupid boy, it’s over here.

TWANKY is now on left hand side of basket and just in forward of it, WISHY WASHY is on right hand side of basket and just forward of it.

WISHY WASHY:  I didn’t put it there.

BOTH turn to face AUDIENCE.  ALADDIN comes out from hiding and moves washing basket back to its original position, he then takes sheet off line and puts it over his head like a ghost.

TWANKY:  Well you must have, it didn’t move itself.  Honestly Wishy Washy, you need to pay more attention to what you’re doing.  Now let’s hang this washing up.

BOTH turn to pick up basket.

WISHY WASHY:  It’s gone again.  (looks around, sees basket)  It’s back in its original place.  

BOTH face AUDIENCE.

TWANKY:  There’s something very fishy going on here.

ALADDIN:  (like a ghost)   Wooo.

WISHY WASHY:  What was that?

TWANKY:  I don’t know, it sounded like it came from behind us.

ALADDIN:  Wooo.

WISHY WASHY:  There it is again, it’s a ghost!

TWANKY:  I’m so frightened, is there ghost up here, boys and girls?

ALADDIN sticks head out from under sheet and encourages AUDIENCE.

AUDIENCE:  Yes.

TWANKY:  Where?

AUDIENCE:  Behind you.

WISHY WASHY:  Where?

AUDIENCE:  Behind you.

TWANKY:  Over here?

TWANKY and WISHY WASHY move left, ALADDIN follows.

AUDIENCE:  No.

WISHY WASHY:  Over here?

TWANKY and WISHY WASHY move right, ALADDIN follows.

AUDIENCE:  No.

TWANKY:  Well where then?

AUDIENCE:  Behind you.

WISHY WASHY:  Behind us, are you sure?

AUDIENCE:  Yes.

TWANKY:  We’d better have a look then.

TWANKY and WISHY WASHY move around in big circle, ALADDIN follows.

WISHY WASHY:  There’s nothing there.

AUDIENCE:  There is.

TWANKY:  Let’s have another look then.

TWANKY and WISHY WASHY move around in circle, ALADDIN follows.

WISHY WASHY:  There’s still nothing there.

AUDIENCE:  There is.

TWANKY+WISHY WASHY:  Oh no there isn’t.

AUDIENCE:  Oh yes there is.

TWANKY+WISHY WASHY:  Oh no there isn’t.

AUDIENCE:  Oh yes there is.

TWANKY+WISHY WASHY:  There isn’t, there isn’t, there isn’t.

AUDIENCE:  There is, there is, there is.

TWANKY+WISHY WASHY:  Oh no there…

ALADDIN:  Wooo.

TWANKY:  There it is again.  Right, let’s just turn around.

WISHY WASHY:  Ok.

TWANKY and WISHY WASHY turn around slowly.

ALADDIN:  Wooo.

WISHY WASHY:  Ahh, it’s a ghost!

TWANKY:  Somebody save us!   (ALADDIN chases TWANKY and WISHY WASHY around stage then stops and begins to laugh.)  Wait a minute, that doesn’t sound very ghost like.  (pulls sheet of ALADDIN’S head)  Aladdin!

ALADDIN:  (laughing)   Hello mum.

TWANKY:  You frightened the life out of me, you cheeky little monkey.

ALADDIN:  It’s just a joke, mum, you’ve got to get into the spirit of things.

TWANKY:  I’ll give you a clip round the ear if you frighten me like that again, and look at the state of this sheet, that was clean when I hung it up earlier.  Come here!

TWANKY begins chasing ALADDIN round stage, WISHY WASHY stretches and yawns takes some washing out of basket and begins making a pillow out of it. TWANKY grabs ALADDIN by ear sees what WISHY WASHY is doing, screams in rage and grabs him by ear too then drags them both into laundry.  The GRAND VIZIER leading a contingent of the IMPERIAL GUARD including WAXON and WAXOFF marches on left.

VIZIER:  (commanding)   Halt! 

GUARDS halt WAXON bangs into the back of WAXOFF.

WAXOFF:  Dude, the Grand Vizier said halt.

WAXON:  Oh sorry, I was like totally not paying attention.

VIZIER:  (commanding) Silence in the ranks!

WAXON+WAXOFF:  No prob’lemo, Mr Grand Vizier dude.

VIZIER:  (commanding)   Silence!  (normal voice)  Now as you all know the Empress will be making a visit to these premises today, so I need two volunteers to make sure the place is kept clear of riffraff.  Anyone wishing this assignment take two steps forward.  (GUARDS take two steps back leaving WAXON and WAXOFF standing on their own)  You two, good of you to volunteer, now come here.

WAXON:  But we didn’t…

VIZIER:  Now.  (WAXON and WAXOFF go to GRAND VIZIER)  Imperial Guardsman Waxon…

WAXON:  Dude.

VIZIER:  …and Imperial Guardsman Waxoff…

WAXOFF:  Dude.

VIZIER:  …I hereby give you the responsibility of securing this area in preparation of the arrival of her Imperial Majesty the Empress Chow Mein.  If you perform this duty well you will be rewarded…

WAXON+WAXOFF:  Excellent!

VIZIER:  …perform it badly and your heads will be removed from your shoulders.

WAXON+WAXOFF:  Bogus.

VIZIER:  Any questions?

WAXON:  (holding up hand)  Ooh, me.

VIZIER:  What is it, soldier?

WAXON:  A man has two hundred and fifty yen and buys six chickens at a value of nine yen each, he then catches a number forty two bus home from the market, the bus ticket is fifty two yen but he gets off half way and buys another ticket back to the market to buy three more chickens, he then buys another ticket and goes all the way home.  How much change does he have?

WAXOFF:  Good question, dude.

WAXON:  Thanks, dude.

VIZIER:  Any relevant questions?

WAXON:  Er, no.

VIZIER:  Good, then expect the arrival of the Empress shortly, and remember, any mistakes…

VIZIER makes a cutting motion across his neck.  WAXON and WAXOFF gulp nervously.  VIZIER exits left followed by IMPERIAL GUARDS.

WAXON:  Dude, I do not like this assignment we’ve been given, getting our heads cut off, that is definitely not cool.

WAXOFF:  Don’t worry, we’re like Imperial Guard-dudes, we can easily keep the place clear of any riffraff with our most excellent karate skills.