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SCENE 1

VILLAGE SQUARE

Curtain up on busy village square. People are bustling about, children playing, if room permits then a some merchants selling things like fruit and vegetables from stalls.

SONG 1 Lively chorus number sung by villagers.

SILLY BILLY enters right.

BILLY: Hi everyone.

VILLAGERS: Hi Billy.

BILLY: I’m glad you’re all here actually, I can now make my report. I’ve done a patrol of the entire village and I’m happy to report that there are no strangers in the village.

VILLAGER 1 points to audience.

VILLAGER 1: Who are they then?

BILLY: (noticing audience) Ahh! Where did they come from? They must be some sort of stealth audience, I heard the military was developing one. Well now that you’re here I suppose I should introduce myself. My name’s Billy, and I live here in the village and it’s my job to keep the village safe from any intruders that may come out of the woods on our borders. Well, I’m training to do it anyway. Master Will the huntsman is the real one whose job it is, he’s just taken me on as his assistant. The trouble is, I’m not actually very good at it. In fact I’m so bad at it that I think Will might be looking for a new assistant soon. Tell you what, you could all help me out, help me to become a better huntsman. Every time I come on I’ll shout out, “I seek them here, I seek them there,” and then you all shout back “You seek those monsters everywhere”. Will you do that?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

BILLY: Great, let’s have a practice. (BILLY exits right then runs on again) I seek them here, I seek them there...

AUDIENCE+CHORUS: You seek those monsters everywhere.

BILLY: Well that wasn’t very good. You’re going to have to shout louder than that. Let’s have another go. (BILLY exits then runs back on again) I seek them here, I seek them there...

AUDIENCE+CHORUS: You seek those monsters everywhere.

BILLY: Well that was a bit better, but I still think you can shout louder than that. We’ll give it one more go and this time I want you to make more noise than the (local WI) at a (latest boy band) concert. (BILLY runs off and then runs back on again) I seek them here, I seek them there...

AUDIENCE+CHORUS: You seek those monsters everywhere!

BILLY: That was great, that should convince Master Will that I’m a great hunter just like him. I’m going to find him, he’ll be so excited!

BILLY exits left. MOLLY enters right plainly excited. She carries several traffic cones and begins to place them across the stage and pushes the chorus back behind them.

MOLLY: Back, back, everyone get back!

VILLAGER 1: What’s going on?

VILLAGER 2: Stop your shoving?

VILLAGER 3: Molly, what’re you doing?

MOLLY: You have to get back, it’s not safe for the little ones.

VILLAGER 1: What’s not safe?

MOLLY: All of that singing and dancing you were doing earlier, if we’re not careful they’ll start doing the same and before you know it they’ll want to go running off to stage school. Just think about it, a lifetime of lip-gloss and temper tantrums. What would their parents say? Now get back! (MOLLY notices AUDIENCE) Oh hello, more little ones. Well I suppose I have time to talk to you until they arrive. My name’s Nurse Molly and I’m in charge of looking after all the little boys and girls in the village. Now I’m ever so excited, boys and girls, we’ve got two new children arriving today. They’re the niece and nephew of our local squire and he’s agreed to look after them for a little while as their parents are a bit poorly. (BARCLAY enters right and moves behind MOLLY as:) Now I’ve just got to make sure that everything is perfectly safe. I don’t want any surprises to come leaping out at them. (BARCLAY barks) Ahhh! Oh you stupid dog, you frightened the life out of me. This is Barclay, boys and girls, and never a more useless dog have I ever had the misfortune to meet. Wait a minute, I’ve got a great idea how we can keep the babes safe. We’ll keep them safe by using Barclay as a guard dog. Here’s what I want you to do, children, every time anybody shouts out “help, help, help” I want you all to shout “Barclay” as loud as you can. Will you do that?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

MOLLY: Great, let’s have a practice. I’ll pretend to be a babe...

VILLAGERS laugh.

VILLAGER 1: Good luck.

MOLLY: Cheeky. As I was saying, I’ll pretend to be the babes in trouble. Ready? Help, help, help!

AUDIENCE+CHORUS: Barclay!

BARCLAY lies down, uninterested.

MOLLY: Well that wasn’t very good, boys and girls. You’re going to have to do better than that. Let’s have another go. Help, help, help!

AUDIENCE+CHORUS: Barclay!

BARCLAY rolls over.

MOLLY: That’s still not loud enough. Let’s have one more go. Help, help, help!

AUDIENCE+CHORUS: Barclay!

BARCLAY gets to feet, alert, he barks and growls.

MOLLY: Wonderful, boys and girls. Just remember to do that every time anyone is in trouble.

HEATHER enters right.

HEATHER: Hello, Molly.

MOLLY: Hello, Heather. This is Heather, boys and girls, she’s the daughter of the local squire and she’s getting married to Will, the local huntsman.

HEATHER: That’s if I can ever tie him down long enough to make plans.

MOLLY: I would give you some advice but tying men down have never been my strong point, they keep slipping my knots. Are the children here yet?

HEATHER: They’ve just arrived, Father is bringing them now.

MOLLY: Oh I’m so excited, I haven’t had any little ones to look after since you were a girl. You were so sweet and innocent, butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth. You were polite, well-spoken, helpful, caring, the most adorable little girl you could ever wish to meet. I’m sure they’ll be just the same.

JEMIMA storms on right, looks right.

JEMIMA: (shouting angrily) Jeremy, if you don’t wipe that stupid grin off your snotty face this instant I’ll slap you silly!

JEREMY enters right grinning.

JEREMY: I’d like to see you try.

HEATHER: What’s happened?

JEREMY: She said her hair was all over the place and needed hold, so I gave it hold.

JEMIMA: He put gum in my hair!

HEATHER: Jeremy!

JEMIMA: And he wets his bed!

HEATHER: Jemima!

JEREMY: I do not!

JEMIMA: Yes you do, you wet your bed so much a fish would drown in it.

MOLLY: Children, children, settle down.

JEREMY: What are you supposed to be?

MOLLY: I’m your nurse, Dame Molly.

JEMIMA: Dame?

JEREMY: You don’t look much like a dame to me, you look like a man in…

HEATHER: Jeremy!

The SQUIRE enters right looking haggard.

JEMIMA: Uncle, I do hope you don’t you don’t expect us to be looked after by that do you?

SQUIRE: I assure you that Molly is a most capable lady.

JEREMY: If you say so, personally I think she could do with some more practice.

HEATHER: Jeremy!

MOLLY: You cheeky, little…

MOLLY grabs JEREMY and JEMIMA by the ears.

JEREMY+JEMIMA: Ow! Help, help, help!

AUDIENCE+CHORUS: Barclay!

BARCLAY barks and growls.

MOLLY: Not now, Barclay. Sit!

BARCLAY sits.

SQUIRE: I trust I can leave these two in your capable hands, Molly.

MOLLY: Don’t you worry, Squire, I’ll soon teach these two some manners

MOLLY leads JEREMY and JEMIMA off left by the ears. VILLAGERS exit.

HEATHER: I’m not sure who I feel sorry for the most, Molly or the children.

SQUIRE: I think Molly can look after herself, and those two could use a little discipline.

HEATHER: Did we do the right thing taking them in?

SQUIRE: Oh yes, their parents are very ill and can’t possibly look after them. Though I do wonder if they’re just making their illness up to get rid of them for a little while. Now, if you’ll excuse me, dear, I think I need a lie down.