SCENE 1 (Part Scene Only)

TOWN SQUARE

Curtain up on lively street scene.  Bessie’s Beauty Boutique stands to rear of stage.  TOWNSFOLK are moving about in groups, chatting, coming out of Boutique and admiring each other’s hair etc.

SONG 1 Lively, cheerful chorus number.

 WOMAN 1 exits boutique wearing fancy outfit and a fancy hairdo, she’s also carrying a stylish handbag.  Wolf-whistles and catcalls from TOWNSFOLK as she moves forward.

 WOMAN 1:  What do you all think of my new look?

 TOWNSPERSON 1:  Very fancy.

 TOWNSPERSON 2:  It must have cost you a fortune.

 WOMAN 1:  Only the best for me.

 TOWNSPERSON 3:  I think I’ll get a dress like that one.

 WOMAN 1:  I’m afraid you can’t, it’s an exclusive.

 WOMAN 1 moves stage left, takes a hand mirror out of bag and begins admiring herself.   WOMAN 2 exits boutique in identical outfit and hairdo and moves forward.

 WOMAN 2:  What does everyone think of my new look?

 TOWNSFOLK laugh.

 TOWNSPERSON 1:  Oh very nice.

 TOWNSPERSON 2:  Is yours an exclusive too?

 WOMAN 2:  As a matter of fact it is an exclusive, how did you know?

 TOWNSPERSON 3:  We just know an exclusive when we see one.

 TOWNSFOLK laugh.

 WOMAN 2:  You’re just jealous because you don’t look as good as I do.

 WOMAN 1 finishes admiring herself and turns around, sees WOMAN 2, WOMAN 2 sees WOMAN 1.

 WOMAN 1:  (outraged)   She told me it was an exclusive!

 WOMAN 2:  (also outraged)  She told me it was an exclusive!

 BOTH:  (screaming)   Daphne!

 DIPPY DAPHNE enters from boutique.

 DAPHNE:  Daphne here, how can I be of…(sees WOMEN)  Uh oh.

 DAPHNE turns to go back into boutique.

 WOMAN 1:  Hold it right there, young lady.

 WOMAN 2:  You’ve got some explaining to do.

 DAPHNE turns back to WOMEN.

 DAPHNE:  Er, what seems to be the trouble ladies?

 WOMAN 1:  You told me my outfit was an exclusive.

 WOMAN 2:  And you told me my outfit was and exclusive.

 DAPHNE:  And?

 BOTH:  They’re identical!

 DAPHNE:  Oh, that’s what exclusive means?

 BOTH:  Yes!

 DAPHNE:  Oh then you’ve nothing to worry about because (to WOMAN 1) yours is a size eighteen, (to WOMAN 2) and yours is a size…oh, hang on, you’re both eighteen’s.

 BOTH:  (very outraged)  I am not an eighteen!

 DAPHNE:  Oh you are, we only do that dress in eighteen, we’ve got loads more in the shop, every one an exclusive.

 TOWNSFOLK laugh.

 TOWNSPERSON 1:  Had a little too much cake, have we?

 WOMAN 1:  I most certainly have not, but now you come to mention it, this dress is a little baggy.

 WOMAN 2:  Well mine’s a lot baggy, why, I’d wager you’d get another person in here with me.

 DAPHNE:  They don’t look baggy to me, in fact they look a little tight, perhaps I should take them out a bit.   (TOWNSFOLK laugh.  BOTH scream in outrage, WOMAN 1 storms off left, WOMAN 2 storms off right.  Calling)  Thank you, come again.  (notices AUDIENCE)  Oh hello, I didn’t know we were having visitors.  My name’s Daphne, most people call me Dippy Daphne, I don’t know why, but then I don’t know what the word dippy means, I assume it’s a compliment.  I work over there, (points to boutique) at Bessie’s Beauty Boutique, with my sister, Charlotte, and my mum, Bessie.  Oh, I just realised, my mum has the same name as the boutique, what a really weird coincidence.  I wonder if she knows.  I have a very important job at the boutique, I’m a golfer, at least I think that’s the word, and one of my main tasks as golfer is to keep out of trouble.  Unfortunately I’m not very good at keeping out of trouble, in fact I’m always getting into trouble, with my mum, with my sister, with the customers, a few of the boys in the village…tell you what, you could all help me with my job, you could all help me keep out of trouble.  Will you do that?

 AUDIENCE:  Yes.

 DAPHNE:  Cor, thanks.   Now here’s what I want you to do, every time anyone says “uh oh, this looks like trouble” I want you to shout out, “run, Daphne, run” as loud as you can, and then I can run away.  Will you do that?

 AUDIENCE:  Yes.

 DAPHNE:  Cool, let’s have a practice.  (walks around casually then stops)  Uh oh, this looks like trouble.

 AUDIENCE+CHORUS:  Run, Daphne, run!

 DAPHNE:  Well that wasn’t very good, you’ve got to shout louder than that.  Let’s have another go.  (walks around casually then stops)  Uh oh, this looks like trouble.

 AUDIENCE+CHORUS:  Run, Daphne, run!

 DAPHNE:  That was a bit better, but I still think you can shout louder than that.  Let’s give it one more try.  (walks around casually then stops)  Uh oh, this looks like trouble.

 AUDIENCE+CHORUS:  Run, Daphne, run!

 DAPHNE screams and runs off right.  CHARLOTTE enters from boutique.

 CHARLOTTE:  (calling)   Daphne.  That’s odd, I could have sworn I heard her out here.

 TOWNSPERSON 1:  She was here, she’ll probably be back soon.

 CHARLOTTE:  Oh good, I need to speak with her.

 TOWNSPERSON 2:  Is she in trouble again?

 CHARLOTTE:  I’m afraid so, she’s been talking to the customers again.

 DAPHNE enters right.

 DAPHNE:  That was great, boys and girls.

 CHARLOTTE:  (puzzled)   Huh?

 DAPHNE:  Oh, hello Charlotte.

 CHARLOTTE:  Daphne, I’ve come to warn you, mum’s on the warpath.

 DAPHNE:  I didn’t know we had one, is it anything like a treadmill?

 CHARLOTTE:  No, silly, she’s after you because you sold those two outfits to those women.  I’ll cover for you, hide.

 DAPHNE:  Ok.

 DAPHNE shuts her eyes tight.

 CHARLOTTE:  (patiently)   Daphne, just because you can’t see people doesn’t mean that people can’t see you.

 DAPHNE:  (still with eyes shut)  I’ve heard that one before, you’re not going to find my hiding place that easily.

 BESSIE:  (offstage)   Daphne!

 CHARLOTTE:  Uh oh, this looks like trouble.

 AUDIENCE+CHORUS:  Run, Daphne, run!

 DAPHNE screams and runs off right.

 CHARLOTTE:  (puzzled)   Huh?

 BESSIE enters from boutique.

 BESSIE:  Daphne!  Where is that useless girl?  Hello love, have you seen your sister?

 CHARLOTTE:  Er, no.

 BESSIE:  (suspiciously)   Really?  Are you sure she’s not standing around somewhere with her eyes shut?

 CHARLOTTE:  Positive.

 BESSIE:  I don’t know why you keep covering for her.

 CHARLOTTE:  She doesn’t mean to keep messing up, she’s only trying to help.

 BESSIE:  I know she means well, but she’ll be the death of me, she really will.  (notices AUDIENCE)  Oh hello, I didn’t know we were having company.  Quickly Charlotte love, we’ve got a town full of potential new customers, let’s do our sales pitch.  If you’re feeling dowdy, and feeling kind of low…

 CHARLOTTE:  There’s only one place in the world that you would want to go

 BESSIE:  Where you will be pampered and treated like a queen

 CHARLOTTE:  We’ll make you look like an actress, up on the silver screen

 BESSIE:  With fancy hair and matching shoes, you’ll look the very best

 CHARLOTTE:  With a beautiful ball gown, like a fairytale princess

 BESSIE:  Men will come from miles around because you’re gorgeous and unique

 CHARLOTTE:  And that can happen at one place only

 BOTH:  Bessie’s Beauty Boutique. 

 BESSIE:  That’s right ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Bessie’s Beauty Boutique, and I’m Bessie, owner of said establishment.  This is my daughter, Charlotte, isn’t she lovely, the prettiest girl for miles around, and what better place for her to work.  Not that she uses any of my products, she’s all natural beauty, the same as I was at her age.  

 TOWNSFOLK laugh.

 TOWNSPERSON 1:  What happened?

 TOWNSPERSON 2:  You must have had a hard life.

 BESSIE:  It’s called working for a living and having to bring up two children on my own, unlike you lot who just seem to stand around all day and burst into song every now and again.  Go on, clear off.  (TOWNSFOLK exit to wings)  Cheeky beggars, the lot of them.  Like I said, I’ve got two children, Charlotte and Daphne.  Charlotte is ever so useful around the boutique, there isn’t anything she can’t put her hand to, Daphne on the other hand is about as useful as a deep freezer to an Eskimo.  But I love them both dearly, and like I said I had to raise them both alone, (sadly) as my husband passed away.

 AUDIENCE:  Ahh.

 BESSIE:  Don’t ask me where he passed away to because I haven’t got clue, I just woke up one morning and he was gone.  Still we get by as best we can, and who knows, maybe someday some rich hunky men will come along and sweep all three of us off our feet.

 CHARLOTTE:  You never know, Mother, stranger things have happened.

 BESSIE:  And if we’re really lucky, they might pick us up again and take us out on dates.

 DAPHNE runs on right.

 DAPHNE:  That was great, boys and girls. 

 DAPHNE sees BESSIE, screams and shuts her eyes.

 BESSIE:  Daphne, I can still see you when your eyes are shut.

 DAPHNE opens eyes.

 DAPHNE:  I’m in trouble, aren’t I.

 BESSIE:  (sighs)   No, you’re not in trouble, you should be, but luckily for you I’m in a good mood today.  You see, we’re about to witness a very special occasion.

 CHARLOTTE:  What’s going on?

 BESSIE:  Apparently our new king will be coming into town today.

 CHARLOTTE:  Tristan?  Oh how wonderful.

 DAPHNE:  I hear he’s really yummy.

 CHARLOTTE:  So do I, I can’t wait to meet him.  Is this why it’s been so busy at the boutique recently?

 BESSIE:  Yes, all the women want to look their best for the royal visit, you never know, Tristan may be looking for a wife.  Not that anyone else in the village has got a chance with us three gorgeous singletons about.  So remember, girls, big smiles and His Royal Highness will be putty in our hands.

 SONG 2 Lively number sung by BESSIE, CHARLOTTE and DAPHNE.

 Song finishes, all exit to boutique.  DILBERT and DONOVAN enter left.

 DILBERT:  This spot looks perfect, sweetie.

 DONOVAN:  Oh yes, the lighting is absolutely marvellous.

 DILBERT:  Oh and look at this quaint little establishment, Bessie’s Beauty Boutique.

 DONOVAN:  What a divine backdrop, I can just feel my heart going pitter-patter at the mere sight of it.

 DILBERT notices AUDIENCE.

 DILBERT:  Sweetie, dramatic gasp.  (BOTH gasp dramatically)  An audience!

 DONOVAN:  Oh how perfectly delightful.  I wonder, would we be being horrendously course and common is we introduced ourselves to them?

 DILBERT:  Oh no, in fact I do believe we would be bettering their small and uneventful little lives by doing so.

 DONOVAN:  You mean as in charity work?

 DILBERT:  Absolutely.

 DONOVAN:  Wonderful, perhaps we’ll get a knighthood, we deserve one after all.

 DILBERT:  Greetings mortals, allow me to introduce myself, I am Dilbert, professional actor.

 DONOVAN:  And I am Donovan, also a professional actor.

 DILBERT:  Now you may be wondering, in your common little way, what we are doing in this grubby little area of the town.

 DONOVAN:  The reason is really rather simple, we have been employed, by royalty no less, to give a live performance at this very spot!

 Pause.

 DILBERT:  They don’t seem to be particularly excited by the notion.

 DONOVAN:  No, in fact most of them seem to be completely devoid of emotion.

 DILBERT:  Well that won’t do at all, we can’t perform in front of an audience that doesn’t have the ability to emote.

 DONOVAN:  Then we must teach them to embrace their feelings.  (to AUDIENCE)  Now listen audience, we’re going to teach you all a little warm up exercise to get your emotions flowing.

 DILBERT:  Though not flowing too much, you must learn to control your emotions or it can get awfully messy.

 DONOVAN:  We shall give you all a demonstration first.  Ready sweetie?

 DILBERT:  Always.

 DILBERT+DONOVAN:  (on each word pull a face to match each word and perform some small theatrical movement.)  Horror!  Joy!  Tragedy!

 DILBERT:  Did you get that?

 AUDIENCE:  Yes.

 DONOVAN:  Right then, everybody on your feet.

 With encouragement audience stands up.

 DILBERT:  Now loosen yourselves up, give your body a good shake, remove your inhibitions.

 DILBERT and DONOVAN shake themselves and encourage audience to do the same.

 DONOVAN:  Now after the count of three we want you all to say horror, joy, tragedy, but remember we will be looking for facial expressions and actions from each and every one of you.  After three; one, two, three.

 AUDIENCE+DILBERT+DONOVAN:  Horror!  Joy!  Tragedy!

 DILBERT:  Well that wasn’t very good, we’ll have to do it again.  One, two, three.

 AUDIENCE+DILBERT+DONOVAN:  Horror!  Joy!  Tragedy!

 DONOVAN:  Better, but I still don’t believe you’re giving it your all.  One more time; one, two, three.

 AUDIENCE+DILBERT+DONOVAN:  Horror!  Joy!  Tragedy!

 DILBERT:  Wonderful!

 DONOVAN:  Superb!

 DILBERT:  You are now ready to be our audience.  Now sit down and give yourselves a clap.

 AUDIENCE sit and clap with DILBERT and DONOVAN.  Fanfare.

 DILBERT:  Sweetie, our cue.

 DONOVAN:  Places!

 DILBERT moves right, DONOVAN moves left.

 DILBERT:  Props!

 Two GHOUL GUARDS push on cage with BEAST inside, cage is covered with cloth.  The GUARDS are wearing helmets to hide their faces they also carry various props.

 DONOVAN:  Cue the audience!

 TOWNSFOLK enter from wings, BESSIE, CHARLOTTE and DAPHNE enter from boutique.

 DILBERT:  Greetings good citizens, gather round, gather round!

 BESSIE:  Who on earth are you two?

 DILBERT:  We are Dilbert…

 DONOVAN:  …and Donovan, stars of stage and screen.

 BESSIE:  But we were expecting Prince Tristan.

 Chorus of agreement from TOWNSFOLK.

 DILBERT:  Ah, dear woman, but that is why we are here, to tell you a tale of the bold Prince Tristan.

 DONOVAN:  A tale of woe, of tragedy, of despair!

 BESSIE:  What are you talking about?

 DILBERT:  Behold the bold Prince Tristan riding through the forest upon a mighty steed.

 DONOVAN begins miming riding a horse whilst one of the guards bangs coconut shells together.

 DONOVAN:  I am the bold Prince Tristan riding through the forest upon a mighty steed, I travel to see my good and pure subjects so that they may except me as their new king.

 DILBERT:  All was well with the bold Prince Tristan until suddenly his mighty steed came to a sudden halt and began to prance nervously.

 DONOVAN begins miming a prancing horse.

 DONOVAN:  What ho, mighty steed, why dost thou prance so?

 DILBERT:  Suddenly, out of a dark, leaved thicket sprang a hideous creature to behold.  (DILBERT leaps towards DONOVAN, TOWNSFOLK gasp)  The bold Prince Tristan was thrown from his steed.  (DONOVAN falls to floor)  And then the mighty steed fled the creature, as fast as it may.  (GUARD makes fleeing noise with coconuts)  The bold Prince Tristan, fearfully beheld the terrifying creature that loomed before him.

 DONOVAN:  What manner of beast is this that looms before me, never before in my darkest nightmares have I beheld such a hell spawned devil.

 DILBERT:  I am a ferocious beast, here to devour you and all the good and pure subjects of your town.

 TOWNSFOLK gasp fearfully.

 DONOVAN:  Never, for although you are obviously of far greater stature than I, I shall never allow you to devour such a good and pure people.

 TOWNSFOLK cheer.

 DILBERT:  Bravely, the bold Prince Tristan leapt to his feet and drew his shining sword, and stood to face the fearsome beast.  (DONOVAN gets to feet and takes sword from GUARD and faces DILBERT.)  But then the fearsome beast smote the bold Prince Tristan with a dolorous claw, ending his life with one foul stroke. 

 DONOVAN falls to the floor, dramatically.  TOWNSFOLK gasp fearfully.

 BESSIE:  The Prince, dead?!

 DILBERT:  I’m afraid so, dear woman, dead as dead can be.  Oh the tragedy!

 CHARLOTTE:  Then what happened?

 DILBERT:  Now turn we to the true hero of this tale, the bold Prince Heathcliff.

 DONOVAN rises and stands heroically.

 TOWNSFOLK:  Prince Heathcliff?

 BESSIE:  But we don’t like Prince Heathcliff, he’s a bit, you know, creepy.

 DILBERT:  But no, dear woman, but no!  The bold Prince Heathcliff is but misunderstood, he is a hero in every sense of the word. 

 DAPHNE:  What did he do?

 DILBERT:  Upon hearing of the fate of his fair brother he made a most noble decree.

 DONOVAN:  I shall ride forth into the forest and face the dire creature that devoured my fair brother, and I shall not rest until he is avenged and the good and pure citizens of the town are safe once more.

 TOWNSFOLK cheer.

 DILBERT:  And so the bold Prince Heathcliff rode into the forest to find his brother’s executioner.  (GUARD uses coconuts as DONOVAN mimes horse riding.)  It was not long before the bold Prince Heathcliff happened upon the same dark, leaved thicket where Tristan had first met the Beast, and at that same spot did the Beast think to attack Prince Heathcliff.

 DILBERT roars and leaps towards DONOVAN.

 CHILD:  Watch out!

 DONOVAN:  (laughs)   Fear not, little one, for Heathcliff was prepared for the Beast, and he fought valiantly.

 DILBERT and DONOVAN pretend to fight.

 DILBERT:  Long they fought, with neither combatant having advantage over other, until Heathcliff launched a desperate and daring thrust with his shining sword!  (DONOVAN thrusts with his sword, DILBERT screams and falls to his knees)  The Beast was defeated!  (TOWNSFOLK cheer and applaud.)  The bold Prince Heathcliff looked down upon his opponent and raised his sword to deliver the killing blow, but…

 DONOVAN:  Nay, I will not kill thee Beast, but I will hold thee prisoner for the rest of thy days, so that thee may look upon the good and pure citizens of the town, see the grief that thy killing of the fair Prince Tristan has brought upon them, and then maybe one day thee will find it within thy blackened heart to repent thy sin.

 DILBERT:  Ladies and Gentlemen; the end.

 BOTH bow, TOWNSFOLK cheer and applaud.

 BESSIE:  Wait a minute, wait a minute.  (TOWNSFOLK stop cheering)  Are you saying that this is all true?

 DILBERT:  Every bit of it.

 BESSIE:  Well I want some proof, what do the rest of you say?

 General chorus of agreement form TOWNSFOLK.

 DONOVAN:  Proof?  Proof you say?  Very well, here is your proof!

 GUARDS pull cloth off cage to reveal BEAST who roars, TOWNSFOLK scream.

 DILBERT:  Behold, the Beast!

 TOWNSPERSON 1:  It’s horrible!

 TOWNSPERSON 2:  Terrifying!

 HEATHCLIFF enters left unnoticed.

 TOWNSPERSON 3:  Where did it come from?!

 BESSIE:  Is it safe in there?

 HEATHCLIFF:  You’ve nothing to fear, the cage will hold, it can’t escape.

 TOWNSFOLK:  Prince Heathcliff!

 HEATHCLIFF:  Greetings good citizens.

 BESSIE:  (curtsies)   Hello, your Highness, it seems we owe you an apology, I think we misjudged you.

 HEATHCLIFF:  No apology is necessary, I am only glad that my brother’s killer is safely under lock and key.

 CHARLOTTE:  What are you going to do with him?

 HEATHCLIFF:  Hello, who do we have here?

 BESSIE:  That’s my daughter, Charlotte, she works with me at the boutique.

 HEATHCLIFF:  Greetings, fair Charlotte, if I had known that the women of this town were as beautiful as you I would have spent more time getting to know you all.  (walks towards cage, BEAST growls menacingly)  But in answer to your question, my dear, the Beast will live out the rest of its days within the castle prison, it will not be able to harm anyone again.

 CHARLOTTE:  Couldn’t we set him free far away from the town?

 ALL:  What?!

 BEAST stops growling and looks at CHARLOTTE inquisitively.

 CHARLOTTE:  I’m just saying that it seems a little cruel to keep him locked up like this, if we set him free, far from anyone, then he won’t return to bother us.

 DILBERT:  Did you not hear our tale, madam?

 DONOVAN:  This demon killed Prince Tristan.

 CHARLOTTE:  I did hear your tale, every word, and I don’t recall you mentioning a single witness to the murder.   (TOWNSFOLK mutter amongst themselves.)   And besides look at him, it’s almost as if he can under…

 HEATHCLIFF steps between CHARLOTTE and BEAST, BEAST begins growling again.

 HEATHCLIFF:  I understand your doubts, but the evidence is clear.  You see, what these two idi…er, actors, failed to mention in their story was the fact that Tristan’s body was found, by myself, at the very same spot that I found the Beast.   And Tristan’s blood was smeared upon the creature’s terrible maw.  So you see the crime could have been committed by no other, and as to setting it free, can we really be sure it will not return here, or if not here, then to another town.  Could you live with that upon your conscience, I know I couldn’t.

 CHARLOTTE:  I suppose so.

 HEATHCLIFF:  But enough of this, there will be plenty of time to mourn for Tristan soon enough, for now we have more pressing matters to attend to.  Tristan’s death has left us in the most unfortunate position of being kingless, I of course am ready and willing to step into his shoes.

 BESSIE:  Are there any other contenders?

 HEATHCLIFF:  No.

 BESSIE:  I suppose we’ll have to have you then.

 HEATHCLIFF:  Very well, it’s settled then, I shall be known from this day forth as King Heathcliff, my coronation will take place shortly but for now I feel a celebration is in order.

 SONG 3  Big Chorus number involving everyone.