ACT 1
SCENE 1
TOWN SQUARE
Before curtain rises PUSS enters moves
downstage right and curls up on the ground.
Curtain up on busy street scene.
SONG 1 Lively chorus number performed by
TOWNSFOLK.
Song finishes, MOLLY enters right.
MOLLY:
Good morning everyone.
TOWNSFOLK: Good
morning, Molly.
MOLLY:
Well I must say you were all
in beautiful voice this morning, it’s nice to hear all
the townsfolk in a good mood.
TOWNSPERSON 1: We’re
not in a good mood, Molly.
MOLLY:
Aren’t you?
TOWNSPERSON 2: No,
we’re just signing to try and cheer ourselves up.
MOLLY:
Why, what’s wrong?
TOWNSPERSON 3: It’s
that horrible ogre, he came into town again last
night.
TOWNSPERSON 1: Yes,
when are the king and queen going to do something
about it, it’s the fourth time this week.
MOLLY:
Well they are trying their
best, they have summoned all of the knights of the realm to try and deal with
the problem.
TOWNSPERSON 2: Well
a fat lot of good they have all been.
MOLLY:
Well I can’t argue with that,
but we must keep faith that someday soon a great knight will come and save
us. (notices AUDIENCE) Wait
a minute, who are that lot? Looks as
though we have visitors everybody, perhaps we’ll find a noble knight amongst
them. Hello everybody, allow me to
introduce myself, my name’s Molly Mopitt, Nurse Molly
Mopitt, to be precise, royal nursemaid to her
highness Princess Katy and I bid you all welcome to our town and the kingdom of
Carabas, you’ll never find a nicer place to live. Well it used to be a nice place to live until
the neighbour from hell moved in. He’s
an ogre that’s lived in a castle not far from here for many years now and if
that wasn’t bad enough he’s proclaimed himself King of the Goblins as
well. The goblins were always there but
our warriors could always deal with them easily enough, but that ogre is beyond
them. Every now and again he comes down
from the castle with his goblins throwing his weight around, taking whatever he
likes from the good folk and giving nothing in return, he’s worse than (local council). The king and queen are at their wits end, so
what they’ve done is summoned all the knights in the land to come and try to
slay the ogre and anyone who succeeds will win Princess Katy’s hand in marriage. She’s not very happy about it but she’s
willing to do whatever must be done to save the town. She’s ever such a good girl, I raised her
myself you know. Unfortunately the
knights that have turned up so far haven’t been up to much, have they everybody.
TOWNSFOLK: No.
MOLLY:
Do you remember the first one
that tried to slay the ogre, he did nothing but
dribble the entire time, Sir Liver his name was. Then there was the one who was a bit potty,
Sir Amic.
TOWNSPERSON 1: What
about the one that had just come back from a round
the world trip.
MOLLY:
Oh I remember him, Sir Cumnavigate.
TOWNSPERSON 2: One
had an electric personality.
MOLLY:
Sir Kit. And then there was that one who was a right
clown.
TOWNSFOLK: Sir
Cus.
TOWNSPERSON 3: What
about that really sociable knight, I quite liked him, what was his name?
MOLLY:
Sir Culate. And then there was the Jewish knight that no
one can remember the name of, but I’m sure he was as useless as the rest of
them. So you see,
we have tried to slay the ogre but to no avail.
But all we can do is hope that a hero will come and save us, and in the
meantime we just sing!
SONG
2 Short cheerful
number performed by MOLLY and TOWNSFOLK.
Song finishes, TOWNSFOLK exit as PUSS
wakes up and stretches himself.
MOLLY:
Oh hello, Puss did we wake you up? This
is Puss, boys and girls, he’s a stray cat that wanders
around the town. I would take him in at
the palace but the king and queen won’t allow it, and no one else wants to take
him in. I don’t why because he’s such a
lovely kitty. (PUSS crosses to MOLLY and rubs against her leg.) Isn’t he lovely, would you like a
treat? (PUSS meows and MOLLY gives him a treat, PUSS then exits left) Oh I wish someone would take in the
lovely little creature.
PRINCESS KATY enters right.
KATY:
Hello, Molly.
MOLLY:
Hello Katy, love...oh, I mean (curtsying) greetings your Royal
Highness.
KATY:
It’s ok, Molly, Mum and Dad
aren’t around, you can call me Katy.
MOLLY:
That’s a relief. This is Princess Katy, boys and girls, isn’t
she lovely, raised her myself you know.
KATY:
Hello, everyone.
AUDIENCE: Hello.
MOLLY:
Just a minute, if this lot are
going to say hello to you all the time, it needs to be done properly.
KATY:
Do we have to, Molly?
MOLLY:
Yes, you know what your
parents are like, if they hear all the boys and girls
greeting you so informally there will be hell to pay. They’re a lovely king and queen, boys and
girls, but they’re a bit funny about protocol and etiquette and all that silly
posh stuff. But don’t worry you can
still say hello to the princess every now and again, you’ve just got to do it
right, in fact, Katy this will work when your mum and dad come on too. Here’s what I want you to do, boys and girls,
every time I say “make way for the royal family”, I want all of you to bow in
your seats and say “greetings your Majesties”. Will you do that?
AUDIENCE: Yes.
MOLLY:
Oh what a lovely bunch you
are.
KATY:
Not like last night’s audience
with their silly ideas about democracy.
MOLLY:
They were a bit of a funny
bunch. Tell you what, let’s have a
practice, you go off, Katy, then come back on again and we’ll give it a go.
KATY:
Ok.
KATY exits right and then comes back on
again.
MOLLY:
Make way for the royal family!
AUDIENCE: Greetings
your Majesties.
KATY:
Well that wasn’t very good.
MOLLY: You’re
right, let’s give it another go. (KATY exits right and then comes back on
again) Make way for the royal
family!
AUDIENCE: Greetings
your Majesties.
KATY:
That was a bit better, but I
think they could still be a little louder.
MOLLY:
I think so too, let’s give it
one more go, boys and girls.
KATY exits right and then comes back on
again.
MOLLY:
Make way for the royal family!
AUDIENCE: Greetings
your Majesties.
KATY:
That was wonderful.
MOLLY:
Much better, your parents will
be ever so impressed when they hear that.
Speaking of your parents and protocol, should you really be walking
around the town on your own?
KATY:
I know I’m not supposed to but
I’m fed up of sitting in the palace on my own waiting for some silly new knight
to turn up.
MOLLY:
Speaking of which, have you
heard who the latest is going to be?
KATY:
No, who?
MOLLY:
Sir Darcy Dashing!
KATY:
Really, he’s said to be
gorgeous.
MOLLY:
I know.
KATY:
It will make such a nice
change from all the weirdoes that usually turn up. Do you remember the one that claimed he was
the most qualified knight in the world, Sir Tificate.
KATY laughs at her own joke.
MOLLY:
We’ve already done the knight
jokes, love. (fanfare)
What was that?
CREEP and CRAWL enter left.
CREEP:
My lords, ladies and
gentlemen...
CRAWL: ...prepare to be awed...
CREEP: ...astounded...
CRAWL: ...and amazed...
CREEP: ...as we present to you the most magnificent...
CRAWL: ...the most fabulous...
CREEP: ...slayer of dragons...
CRAWL: ...rescuer of damsels...
CREEP: ...the embezzlement of gorgeousness...(CRAWL whispers in CREEP’S ear)...sorry,
the embodiment of gorgeousness...
CREEP+CRAWL: ...Sir Darcy Dashing!
SIR DARCY DASHING enters left and
strikes a heroic pose, followed by GROUPIES.
DARCY snaps fingers and GROUPIES scream hysterically, he snaps fingers
again and then they stop.
DARCY:
Greetings mortals, apologies
for my lateness, I had to wrestle a dragon to get here...
CREEP,CRAWL+GROUPIES: Gasp!
DARCY: ...cross a desert...
CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES: Ooo!
DARCY: ...slay a giant...
CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES: Wow!
DARCY: ...throw a ring into mountain of fire...
CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES: Hooray!
DARCY: ...and find some kid’s lost puppy.
CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES: Ahh.
DARCY:
So you’ll have to forgive me
if I’m a little tardy.
WILL staggers on left laden with baggage
including a pair of boots.
WILL:
It’s ok, I’ve got it all, I
don’t need any help, I’ll be fine. (WILL
trips and drops everything) Oops,
sorry.
DARCY:
Unfortunately I lost my horse
on the way so had to get my lackey to carry everything for me.
WILL:
Yes, and it’s all awfully heavy,
very difficult even if the road we travelled down was pretty straight, flat and
obstacle free.
DARCY:
Don’t you mean that I had to
wrestle a dragon to get here...
CREEP,CRAWL+GROUPIES: Gasp!
DARCY: ...cross a desert...
CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES: Ooo!
DARCY: ...slay a giant...
CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES: Wow!
DARCY: ...throw a ring into mountain of fire...
CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES: Hooray!
DARCY: ...and find some kids lost puppy...
CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES: Ahh.
DARCY: ...to get here?
WILL:
(unconvincingly)
Oh yeah, that too.
DARCY notices KATY.
DARCY:
I say,
who’s the corking bit of crumpet?
KATY:
Who me? Oh, I’m Princess Katy.
DARCY:
Well I heard you were a
cracker and now I’m glad I travelled all this way to pull you. (DARCY
snaps fingers and CREEP, CRAWL and GROUPIES laugh hysterically, snaps his
fingers again and they suddenly stop)
Pleased to meet you, gorgeous, now, I hear you have an ogre problem.
KATY:
Oh yes, he’s terrible, he rampages through the town and...
DARCY:
Say no more, sweet cheeks,
I’ll have this sorted out in a jiffy. (draws sword) Have at thee, you fiend!
DARCY swings sword at MOLLY.
MOLLY:
Hey, watch it! You’re going to hurt someone with that if
you’re not careful.
DARCY:
That’s the general idea, ogre
scum. Die!
DARCY raises sword to strike MOLLY.
KATY:
Wait! This isn’t the ogre.
DARCY:
It isn’t?
KATY:
No, this is my nurse, Molly.
DARCY:
Nurse?
KATY:
Yes.
DARCY:
Are you sure she’s not an
ogre?
KATY:
Positive.
DARCY:
Minotaur?
KATY:
No.
DARCY:
Demon?
KATY:
Certainly not?
DARCY:
MP for the (current government) party?
MOLLY:
You cheeky swine!