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ACT 1

SCENE 1

Curtain up on lively street scene. TOWNSFOLK mingle about, chatting, children playing etc.

SONG 1 Lively chorus number.

BUTTONS enters right.

BUTTONS: Hi everyone.

TOWNSFOLK: Hi Buttons.

BUTTONS: What a beautiful day, the sun is shining, there’s not a single cloud in the sky, the birds are bursting into song, though a little more in tune that the chorus...

TOWNSFOLK: Hey!

TOWNSPERSON 1: I’ll have you know we were perfectly in tune.

BUTTONS: The conductor doesn’t think so.

TOWNSPERSON 1: What would he know, he knows so little about music he used to be a drummer.

TOWNSPERSON 2: Yeah, he gave it up and became a conductor when he lost one of his drumsticks.

TOWNSFOLK laugh.

BUTTONS: Alright, alright, I’ll do the jokes. (notices AUDIENCE) Hello, who are this lot? Nobody told me we were having visitors. Well as you’re here I suppose I should introduce myself. My name’s Buttons, son of Clasp, son of Lacings, son of Ties, son of Zip, a man well ahead of his time. (expectant pause) This is the point when you’re supposed to tell me who you are. (pause) Ok, it seems like you’re going to need some encouragement. Here’s what we’re going to do, I’ll count to three then I want you all to shout out your names at once. Will you do that?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

BUTTONS: You don’t sound too sure. I said will you do that?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

BUTTONS: Great, after three then. One, two, three. (AUDIENCE shout out their names) Well I didn’t get any of that so I tell you what, I’ll call you Bob. And in the interest of being polite every time I come on I’ll shout out “nice to see you, Bob” and then I want all of you to shout back “nice to see you too, Buttons” as loud as you can. Will you do that?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

BUTTONS: Great, let’s have a practice. (BUTTONS exits right then comes back on) Nice to see you, Bob.

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK: Nice to see you too, Buttons.

BUTTONS: Well that wasn’t very good, it doesn’t sound as if it’s nice to see me at all. Let’s have another go. (BUTTONS exits right then comes back on) Nice to see you, Bob.

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK: Nice to see you too, Buttons.

BUTTONS: That was a bit better. Let’s give it one more go and this time I want you to imagine that I’m a baker who has just invented calorie free cream buns. (BUTTONS exits right then comes back on) Nice to see you, Bob.

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK: Nice to see you too, Buttons.

BUTTONS: That’s better. Now that we’re better acquainted I’m going to let you into a little secret. I’m in love. Now I want you to keep it a secret because no one else knows anything about it.

TOWNSPERSON 1 crosses to BUTTONS.

TOWNSPERSON 1: Hi Buttons.

BUTTONS: Hi.

TOWNSPERSON 1: Have you asked Cinderella out yet?

BUTTONS: What?

TOWNSPERSON 1: Have you asked Cinderella out yet?

TOWNSPERSON 2 crosses to BUTTONS.

TOWNSPERSON 2: Oh yes, if you haven’t you really must.

BUTTONS: Must I?

TOWNSFOLK: Oh yes, you must.

TOWNSPERSON 1: But don’t worry, we know it’s a secret, don’t we everyone.

TOWNSFOLK: Oh yes, it’s a secret.

TOWNSPERSON 2: We won’t tell a soul that you love, Cinderella.

TOWNSFOLK: No, not a soul.

BUTTONS: Good, just so long as no one else knows that I love Cinderella then I’ll be fine.

CINDERELLA enters right.

CINDERELLA: Hi Buttons.

BUTTONS: Cinderella! It’s Cinderella everyone, (unconvincingly) the girl I don’t love and adore and who I wouldn’t pluck the stars from the sky for and I don’t worship the ground upon which she treads, and I absolutely, positively, without a shadow of doubt do not have a collection of photos of her sleeping that I have stuck up on a wall and arranged in such a way that they spell out her name.

CINDERELLA: Buttons, what are you talking about?

BUTTONS: Nothing. Why aren’t you locked up in the basement?

CINDERELLA: I sneaked out, it’s far too nice a day to be shut up indoors, I wanted to be out in the sunshine.

BUTTONS: If your stepmother and sisters find out there’ll be trouble.

CINDERELLA: That’s worrying me too. You will protect me from them, won’t you, Buttons?

BUTTONS: You’ve got nothing to worry about with me around, when it comes to your sisters there’s one thing that I always say.

CINDERELLA: What’s that?

HYACINTH+PETUNIA: (offstage) Cinderella!

BUTTONS: Hide.

BUTTONS and CINDERELLA hide behind TOWNSFOLK as HYACINTH and PETUNIA enter left.

HYACINTH+PETUNIA: Cinderella!

HYACINTH: Where is she then? I swear I heard that little brat’s voice.

PETUNIA: She’s probably hiding under a rock with the rest of the slime.

HYACINTH and PETUNIA laugh. HYACINTH notices AUDIENCE.

HYACINTH: Speaking of slime, girlfriend, look, the place is full of it!

PETUNIA: Eeuw! Children! Lots of horrible, disgusting, little children. I am so grossed out.

HYACINTH: Children? I thought they were a bunch of fat, little trolls.

PETUNIA: Oh no, girlfriend, these aren’t trolls, trolls are prettier than children.

HYACINTH: Yeah, and children are far, more like stupider.

PETUNIA: Yeah, not like us who are like well educated.

HYACINTH: Do you think it would be like so beneath us if we like introduced ourselves?

PETUNIA: No, we could say it’s like charity work or something. Greetings, peasants, my name’s Petunia.

HYACINTH: And my name’s Hyacinth, and we’re like so gorgeous. Aren’t we.

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK: No.

HYACINTH+PETUNIA: Oh yes we are!

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK: Oh no you’re not!

HYACINTH+PETUNIA: Oh yes we are!

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK: Oh no you’re not!

HYACINTH+PETUNIA: Shut it!

HYACINTH: Yeah, or we’ll get (latest celebrity adopting random kids) to come and adopt you. Then you’ll be sorry.

PETUNIA: What would any of you know about beauty anyway, we have been compared to movie stars like (popular movies actress)...

HYACINTH: ...(another popular movie actress)...

PETUNIA: ...(and another)...

BUTTONS: ...Godzilla...

HYACINTH: ...Godzill...Godzilla?!

PENTUNIA: Who said that?!

HYACINTH: Ignore them, Petunia, they’re just jealous because we’ve got bodies like (famous model)...

PETUNIA: ...(another famous model)...

HYACINTH: ...(and another)...

CINDERELLA: ...King Kong...

PETUNIA: ...King Ko...King Kong?!

HYACINTH: I smell something fishy here and for once it’s not your breath.

PETUNIA: No, it’s something els...what do you mean my breath?!

HYACINTH: Shut up a minute, I have a plan.

HYACINTH and PETUNIA put heads together and whisper to each other. Agree upon a plan and then turn back to AUDIENCE and begin overacting, pretending to talk casually when they plainly aren’t.

PETUNIA: Have you heard the news, Hyacinth?

HYACINTH: What news is that, Petunia?

PETUNIA: Well, you know our sister, Cinderella?

HYACINTH: You mean the smelly one with medical condition that we don’t talk about?

PETUNIA: Yes, that’s her.

HYACINTH: What about her, Petunia?

PETUNIA: Well, you know that bloke who works for us, Buttons?

HYACINTH: You mean the smelly one with medical condition that we don’t talk about?

PETUNIA: Yes, that’s him.

HYACINTH: What about him, Petunia?

PETUNIA: Well apparently he has a secret

HYACINTH: Is it the one involving the internet, a bunny rabbit and a gorilla outfit?

PETUNIA: No, not that secret, his other secret.

HYACINTH: Oh, what secret is that then?

PETUNIA: Apparently, and don’t tell anyone this because no one is supposed to know, he’s like totally in love with Cin....

BUTTONS moves upstage.

BUTTONS: Hyacinth, Petunia, how lovely to see you both.

HYACINTH: Buttons, what a surprise.

PETUNIA moves towards CINDERELLA’S hiding place.

PETUNIA: And where’s there’s one rat...(reaches behind TOWNSPERSON and pulls CINDERELLA out by her ear) there’s another.

CINDERELLA: Ow!

HYACINTH: What are you doing out of the basement?

TOWNSFOLK begin to exit.

CINDERELLA: I just wanted some fresh air.

PETUNIA: Fresh air? Fresh air? What’s next, a diamond necklace and three square meals a day?

HYACINTH: She is so selfish, Petunia.

PETUNIA: Totally. Not like us, we’re well considerate.

HYACINTH: Who’s supposed to make our dinner whilst she’s out having fresh air?

PETUNIA: I think we should tell mummy, Hyacinth.

CINDERELLA: Oh no, please don’t.

HYACINTH: I think we should too.

CINDERELLA: I promise not to do it again, I’ll go back to the basement and start cooking straight away.

PETUNIA: Cooking what?

CINDERELLA: Oh your favourite.

HYACINTH: With double cream?

CINDERELLA: Yes.

PETUNIA: And chocolate?

CINDERELLA: Of course.

HYACINTH: And lard?

CINDERELLA: It wouldn’t be the same without it.

PETUNIA: Go on then, I’m in a charitable mood, just this once we won’t tell mummy.

CINDERELLA: Oh thank you, thank you!

HYACINTH: But if we see your ugly, fat face in the street again, you’re in so much trouble.

PETUNIA: Now get out of here and cook...

HYACINTH: ...and clean...

PETUNIA: ...and polish...

HYACINTH: ...and scrub...

PETUNIA: ...and wash...

HYACINTH: ...and iron...

PETUNIA: ...but most of all...

HYACINTH+PETUNIA: ...go!

CINDERELLA exits right sadly.