ACT 1

SCENE 1(Part of Scene Only)

OUTSIDE FITZWARREN’S SHOP

FITZWARREN: (singing) Oh what a beautiful morning…

LONDONERS: We’ve finished.

FITZWARREN: What? Oh rats, well why didn’t anybody tell me? I was so looking forward to a good sing along this morning.

LONDONER 1: No offence Mr Fitzwarren but you’ve got an awful singing voice.

FITZWARREN: Nonsense, people have been known to travel miles just because I’m singing.

LONDONER 2: Yeah, in the opposite direction.

LONDONERS laugh.

FITZWARREN: I’ve never been so insulted in all my life.

LONDONER 1: That’s your own fault, you don’t get out enough.

FITZWARREN: I won’t stand here and be insulted.

LONDONER 1: Well sit down then, you’ll be more comfortable.

LONDONER’S laugh.

FITZWARREN: That’s it, I’m not talking to you lot anymore. (notices AUDIENCE) Oh hello, I wasn’t aware we were having visitors. Well I’ll try talking to all of you, hopefully you will have a little more respect for a prominent business man like me, not like this lot. Allow me to introduce myself, my name’s Mr Alderman Fitzwarren. (points to shop) That’s my shop, where I sell everything the common man could possibly want and be allowed to have by his wife, and all at last years prices.

LONDONER 2: That’s right, and they were too expensive then too.

FITZWARREN: Ignore them, they’re always moaning about something, you’d think this was the east end of London.

ALICE: Hello father.

FITWARREN: Hello dear. This is my daughter Alice Fitzwarren, I don’t know what I’d do without her, she’s so hardworking and dedicated and perhaps in thirty or forty years time she’ll meet someone that I consider suitable and marry him.

ALICE: Er, shouldn’t that be someone I find suitable and won’t I be a little old in thirty or forty years time?

FITZWARREN: (laughs) Oh you do make me laugh sometimes dear, this isn’t modern day you know this is the past, you’ll do as you’re told. Now, where’s Jack?

ALICE: Where do you think?

FITZWARREN: (shouting) Wake up you lazy oaf!

ALICE: I’m afraid you’ll have to shout louder than that father, Jack can sleep through anything. Perhaps we could get all the boys and girls to help?

FITWARREN: Good idea, if they’re just going to sit there they might as well make themselves useful.

ALICE: (to AUDIENCE) Right then boys and girls, here’s what we want you to do. Every time we say, wake up Jack, it’s time to get up, we want you to wake him up by making a sound like a alarm clock just like this…Bbrrrring!

FITZWARREN: Have alarm clocks been invented yet?

ALICE: Obviously not or I wouldn’t be getting them to do it. (to AUDIENCE) Right then , let’s have a practice. Wake up Jack, it’s time to get up!

AUDIENCE+CHORUS: Bbrrrring!

ALICE looks at JACK.

ALICE: I’m afraid that wasn’t loud enough, let’s try again. Wake up Jack, it’s time to get up!

AUDIENCE+CHORUS: Bbrrrring!

JACK: Cinders, it fits!

ALICE: What were you dreaming about?

JACK: Dreaming? Me? Never.

FITZWARREN: Jack, sleeping on the job again I see.

JACK: Me Mr Fitzwarren? Never Mr Fitzwarren. You can count on me Mr Fitzwar…

ALICE: Wake up Jack, it’s time to get up!

AUDIENCE+CHORUS: Bbrrrring!

JACK: What? What? I’m up, where’s the fire?

FITZWARREN: Now Jack, I’m fed up with this laziness of yours, it’s time you bucked your ideas up. There are plenty of other young people out there who would gladly do your job and they would probably do it an awful lot better than you do. I’m going back inside the shop now and when I come back I want to see that all of these stalls have been tidied up or you’ll be looking for work elsewhere. (turns to go) And Alice, no helping.

JACK: Don’t worry Mr Fitzwarren, I won’t let you dow…

ALICE: Jack! (JACK becomes alert) You heard what father said, you’ve got to keep awake or he’ll fire you.

JACK: He’s always saying that, he’ll never fire me.

ALICE: I think he’s serious this time. Please Jack, you’re my best friend, I don’t want to lose you.

JACK: (bashfully) You’re my best friend too, Alice.

ALICE: Then do what father says for me then. I’ll see you later.

JACK: Cor, I’m her best friend, she said she didn’t want to lose me, that’s just so cool. (notices AUDIENCE) Hi kids, welcome to London, the greatest city in all the world, if you don’t include the better ones that is. My name’s Jack, many people call me Idle Jack because of a condition I have. You see I have an illness that’s got three major symptoms. One, I keep falling asleep, two, I suffer from forgetfulness, and three…er, I’ve forgotten. That girl I was just talking to, that was Alice Fitzwarren, I love her, she’s the most beautiful girl in all the world, if you don’t include the better ones that is. I want to marry her one day, the thing is I don’t think her father would like it very much, he doesn’t think I’m good enough for his daughter, or any other man for that matter. But one day I’m going to change all that, one day I’m going to be Lord Mayor of London and Mr Fitzwarren will have to respect me and then I’ll marry Alice…

ALICE: Wake up Jack, it’s time to get up.

AUDIENCE: Bbrrrring.

JACK: What? Who? When? Oh, thanks boys and girls, just keep doing that and hopefully I’ll keep awake long enough to keep my job. Now, what was it that Mr Fitzwarren wanted me to do? Oh yes, tidy the stalls.

DOTTY: Good morning, Jack.

JACK: Morning Dotty.

DOTTY: Are my eyes deceiving me or are you actually working?

JACK: It’s Mr Fitzwarren, he said if I didn’t do some work he’d fire me.

DOTTY: Oh, he’s in one of those moods, is he? I’d better keep my head down then or he’ll be after me next. Just you make sure you keep awake or you’ll be in real trouble.

JACK: Alice got all the boys and girls to help.

DOTTY: All the who and what? (notices AUDIENCE) Oh hello, I wish I’d known we were having company, I would have got my faced waxed. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Dotty Dumpling and I’m Mr Ftzwarren’s cook. Well, that’s my official title, I seem to end up doing most of the work around here, what with the Boy Worthless sleeping on the job all the time.

JACK: I heard that.

DOTTY: Don’t you have work to do? (JACK goes back to tidying stalls) Mr Fitzwarren isn’t too bad to work for, though he doesn’t pay very much. Still I can’t complain, I’ve got a roof over my head and I don’t go hungry, which is more than most people can say. You see London hasn’t had a Lord Mayor for many years, not since the old one died, and the whole city has been going to the dogs ever since. Well, I say going to the dogs but I really mean the rats, they’re everywhere nowadays, and they’re getting more and more vicious. Mr Fitzwarren does more trade in rat poison than he does in anything else, not that the poison does much good, these rats seem to be a lot cleverer than your normal variety. But without a Lord Mayor what are we to do, anyone who might have taken on the roll has mysteriously disappeared, there are rumours that the rats got them, and to make matters worse, the Fairy Justice who normally chooses our Lord Mayor has disappeared too. Speaking of Fairy Justice, Jack look what I found.