SCENE 1

 TOWN SQUARE

 Curtain up on town square, Greek looking shops are at wings with stalls in front of them, Pandora’s school stands rear right, TOWNSFOLK and CHILDREN are milling about.

 SONG 1  Lively chorus number involving TOWNSFOLK and CHILDREN.

 Song ends, HERCULES enters from school.  TOWNSFOLK are talking amongst themselves and don’t notice HERCULES.

 HERCULES:  (cheerfully)   Good morning everyone .

 TOWNSFOLK:  Good morn…(TOWNSFOLK see who has entered and all back off)  Whoa!

 TOWNSFOLK gather CHILDREN around them out of the way of HERCULES.

 HERCULES:  What’s the matter?

 TOWNPERSON 1:  You know full well what the matter is.

 TOWNPERSON 2:  You can’t be trusted.

 TOWNPERSON 1:  You’re the clumsiest person we’ve ever met.

 TOWNPERSON 2:  It’s a wonder that nobody gets hurt.

 HERCULES:  (laughing)   I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m not clumsy , I’m the mighty Hercules, (begins strutting about stage) champion of the people, strongest man in the world, warrior of the gods, hero of…(HERCULES bumps into stall knocks it over and begins a chain reaction knocking all stalls over.)  Oops.

 TOWNPERSON 1:  See what we mean, you’re a danger to everyone around you.

 HERCULES:  I…I don’t mean to be.

 TOWNPERSON 2:  You should pay more attention to what you’re doing.

 TOWNSFOLK and CHILDREN exit.

 HERCULES:  I’m just trying to be helpful; I don’t want to hurt anybody.  Ahh, they’ve gone.  (notices AUDIENCE)   Hang on, not everyone’s gone.  Greetings visitors from afar, welcome to the city of Athens in ancient Greece.  My name’s Hercules, you’ve probably heard of me, I’m the strongest man in the world, a hero to stand firm against all evil.  Well, I try to be, the thing is I’m a little on the clumsy side and every time I try to help someone things tend to go wrong, so you see I’m not very popular with the townsfolk.  (possible reaction from AUDIENCE)  I said I’m not very popular with the townsfolk.

 AUDIENCE:  Ahh.

 HERCULES:  That’s better.  The thing is I really want to get into the hero business and use my great strength to help people but as you’ve seen no one trusts me.  I know, you could all help me out, you could keep an eye out for people in need and then send them to me.  Here’s what we’ll do, every time someone says, “is there no one that can save us?” you all shout out “Hercules, strongest man ever”.  Will you do that?

 AUDIENCE:  Yes.

 HERCULES:  Great, let’s have a practice.  Is there no one that can save us?

 AUDIENCE:  Hercules, strongest man ever.

 HERCULES:  Not bad, but I think you can do it better than that, let’s give it one more try.  Is there no one that can save us?

 AUDIENCE:  Hercules, strongest man ever.

 HERCULES:  That was great, just remember to say it as loud as you can whenever anyone ask for help.

 ANDROMEDA:  (off)  Hercules.

 HERCULES:  That’s my sister Andromeda, perfect timing, we can practice some more on her.

 ANDROMEDA enters from school.

 ANDROMEDA:  Hercules, there you are, mother’s been looking all over for you.

 HERCULES:  What does she want now?

 ANDROMEDA:  She wants you to get the school ready, the children will be here soon.  What are you doing out here anyway?

 HERCULES:  Oh just performing a few heroic deeds before breakfast.

 ANDROMEDA looks at collapsed stalls.

 ANDROMEDA:  So I see.

 HERCULES:  So do you need anyone to save you this morning?

 ANDROMEDA:  Save me from what?

 HERCULES:  Well you know, Greek stuff, you’re a damsel, damsels always need saving from Greek stuff.

 ANDROMEDA:  Well this one doesn’t.

 HERCULES:  Well pretend you do need saving.

 ANDROMEDA:  Why?

 HERCULES:  Just do it, come on sis, please.

 ANDROMEDA:  Oh very well.   Help, is there no one that can save us?

 AUDIENCE:  Hercules, strongest man ever.

 ANDROMEDA:  Who are they?

 HERCULES:  They’re all the boys and girls, they were just sat there so I got them to advertise my hero business.

 ANDROMEDA:  Child labour, how very industrious of you.  Well it’s a pleasure to meet you all, my name’s Andromeda.  (Sound effect of breaking glass and things falling over and general commotion.)  What was that?

 HERCULES:  I don’t know, but I didn’t do it.

 CERBERUS runs on from school barking, closely followed by PANDORA armed with a broom.

 PANDORA:  Come back here you filthy mongrel!

 CERBERUS hides behind ANDROMEDA.

 ANDROMEDA:  Mother, what on earth is going on?

 PANDORA:  It’s that wretched hound of yours, he was sniffing around the desks again in a suspicious manner and when I caught him he knocked the whole lot over.

 ANDROMEDA:  Cerberus didn’t mean it mother, did you boy.

 ANDROMEDA pets CERBERUS who barks and nuzzles her.

 PANDORA:  I don’t care whether he meant it or not, that dog needs some discipline.

 HERCULES:  It sounds to me mum that you need a hero.

 PANDORA:  I need someone to tidy up the classroom before the children arrive.  Why, are you volunteering?

 PANDORA gives broom to HERCULES, he plays with it through next speeches.

 HERCULES:  Er, I’m afraid I’ve got work to do elsewhere.

 PANDORA:  Why am I not surprised?  You can be a hero without saving the world, Hercules; you could try helping your mother out every now and again.

 HERCULES:  I know but…(HERCULES accidentally snaps broom)  Oops.

 PANDORA:  (exasperated)   You useless…give me that.

 PANDORA takes broom pieces from HERCULES. 

 ANDROMEDA:  I’ll help, mother.

 PANDORA:  Thanks for the offer love, but I think the best thing you could do is to teach that dog something useful.

 ANDROMEDA:  I know, Cerberus could help Hercules with his heroics.

 PANDORA:  Help him with his heroics?  They’re as clumsy as each other, it would be a disaster.  I can see myself getting up every morning, looking at the mess they’ve made and shouting “is there no one that can save us?”

 AUDIENCE:  Hercules, strongest man ever.

 PANDORA jumps and looks around startled.

 PANDORA:  What the…?  (notices AUDIENCE)   Oh, hello.  I didn’t see you all sitting there.  Well if no one else is going to introduce me I suppose I’d better do it myself, like I have to do everything else around here. My name’s Pandora and I’m the school teacher for all the kiddies who live in Athens.  These are my own two children.  This is my daughter, Andromeda, isn’t she lovely; she gets that from me you know.   (HERCULES laughs) This great big lump is my son, Hercules, and I don’t care how strong he is, he’s going to get a clip round the ear if he’s not careful.  (CERBERUS barks)  Oh, and this is Cerberus, I’m not quite sure where he came from, all I know is that he’s a pain in the backside.  Now Andromeda and Hercules occasionally help out at the school, at least when they can’t get out of it.

 ANDROMEDA:  We’re too old for school, mother.

 PANDORA:  Well fine, if you’re not going to help with school you can at least do something useful.  Wait here.

 HERCULES:  Something useful, eh?  Perhaps she wants me to guard the borders of Greece from invading armies, or keep the monster population down in the countryside, or… 

 PANDORA exits to school and returns with box. 

 PANDORA:  You can guard this, I’m too busy to keep an eye on it all the time.

 HERCULES takes box.

 HERCULES:  Ahh, why do we have to keep guarding this stupid thing?

 PANDORA:  Because Zeus, King of the Gods told us to, that’s why.  He said to me in a dream, “Pandora I want you to guard this box but to never ever open it for any reason”, and that’s what we’re going to do. 

 HERCULES:  Well can’t we have a little peek at what’s inside?

 PANDORA:  No you most certainly cannot, you’ll bring the wrath of the gods down upon us.  You wanted to do something heroic, guarding something for Zeus will have to be enough.  Anyway, I’m sure the kiddies aren’t interested at what’s inside, at least not whilst Pandora’s got sweeties.  (PANDORA produces bag of sweets, to AUDIENCE)  Who wants sweeties?  (Reaction from AUDIENCE, PANDORA throws out sweets.  CERBERUS sticks head in bag and begins eating sweets)  Oh Andromeda, control that dog.

 ANDROMEDA pulls CERBERUS away.

 ANDROMEDA:  Here boy.

 PANDORA:  I’ve had just about as much as I can take from that mutt.  I have to go inside now and tidy up before the children arrive, if that dog has not learnt some responsibility by the time I get back then we’re getting rid of him.

 PANDORA exits to school.

 ANDROMEDA:  Oh but mother…  Oh Hercules, what are we going to do?

 HERCULES:  I’ve got an idea, what if we killed two birds with one stone?

 ANDROMEDA:  I hardly think mindless violence is the answer.

 HERCULES:  No, I mean why don’t we use Cerberus to guard this stupid box and at the same time he’ll learn some responsibility.

 ANDROMEDA:  Good idea, and we can get all the boys and girls to help.

 HERCULES:  Sounds like a plan to me.

 HERCULES puts box at front of stage left.

 ANDROMEDA:  (to AUDIENCE)   Here’s what we want you to do, every time you see anyone going near Pandora’s box we want you all to shout “Cerberus” as loud as you can, will you do that?

 AUDIENCE:  Yes.

 ANDROMEDA:  Great, let’s have a practice.  Hercules, you pretend to steal the box and when the boys and girls call him, Cerberus will attack you.

 HERCULES:  I’m seeing a flaw in this plan.

 ANDROMEDA:  Oh quit whining, I thought you were tough.

 HERCULES:  (sighs)   Okay.  Oh look, I wonder what’s inside that box.

 HERCULES goes to pick up box.

 AUDIENCE:  Cerberus.

 CERBERUS rolls over to have his tummy tickled.

 ANDROMEDA:  I think you’re going to have to shout louder than that boys and girls.  Let’s have another go.

 HERCULES:  Oh look, I wonder what’s inside that box.

 HERCULES goes to box.

 AUDIENCE:  Cerberus.

 CERBERUS sits up, looks around alert for a moment then flops back down to sleep.

 ANDROMEDA:  Still not loud enough, let’s give it one more try.

 HERCULES:  Oh look, I wonder what’s inside that box.

 HERCULES goes to box.

 AUDIENCE:  Cerberus.

 CERBERUS barks and growls and pounces on HERCULES, CERBERUS then backs HERCULES against wall and growls at him.

 ANDROMEDA:  That’s great boys and girls, well done, just remember to keep doing that whenever anyone goes near Pandora’s box.

 HERCULES:  (nervously)   Er, Andromeda, a little help here.

 ANDROMEDA:  Oh sorry.  Cerberus, here boy.  (CERBERUS barks and goes to ANDROMEDA who pets him affectionately.)  Well done everyone, you know what Hercules, we’ve done so well I think we deserve a little song.

 SONG 2 ANDROMEDA, HERCULES and CERBERUS a short cheerful number. 

 HERCULES:  I think mother will be quite pleased, with what we’ve done with Cerberus.

 ANDROMEDA:  I think we’ll go and give her the good news.

 ANDROMEDA and CERBERUS exit to school.  Fanfare. 

 HERCULES:  What was that?

 TOWNSFOLK enter from wings, there is a feeling of excitement coming from them.

 HERCULES:  What’s going on?

 TOWNPERSON 1:  A prince is coming.

 HERCULES:  A prince?  Why would a prince be coming here?

 TOWNPERSON 2:  I don’t know, but I hear he’s gorgeous.

 PERSEUS enters left, a huge cheer from TOWNSFOLK.

 PERSEUS:  Greetings good citizens of Athens, I thank you for your warm welcome, allow me to introduce myself, I am Perseus, Prince of Argos.

 HERCULES:  Cor, have you brought the new catalogue?

 PERSEUS laughs falsely.

 PERSEUS:  (sarcastically)  That’s just so funny, I don’t think I’ve heard that one before.

 TOWNPERSON 1:  Ignore him your Highness, he’s just the local idiot.

 TOWNPERSON 2:  So why are you here your Highness, are you looking for a wife?

 TOWNSWOMEN giggle.

 PERSEUS:  I’m afraid not ladies.

 TOWNSWOMEN:  (disappointed)   Ahh.

 PERSEUS:  But if I were then this would be where I would start looking, I’ve never before seen such beauties.  

 TOWNSWOMEN giggle.

 HERCULES:  (muttering)   Huh, smooth talker.

 PERSEUS:  Today I am here for a different reason entirely; I have heard there is menace in this city, a being so powerful that I’ve heard the entire city is in a grip of fear.

 Excited mutters from TOWNSFOLK.

 HERCULES:  Cor, this sounds like a job for me.

 PERSEUS:  I plan to free the city of Athens from this menace.  (TOWNSFOLK cheer)  No longer will the good people of Athens live in the grip of fear.  (TOWNSFOLK cheer)  And I ask for nothing in return, I will do it only because it is right.

 TOWNSFOLK cheer.

 TOWNPERSON 1:  But what is the name of this menace?

 PERSEUS:  It is…Hercules.

 TOWNSFOLK gasp.

 HERCULES:  Eh?  Now hang on a minute…

 PERSEUS:  (ignoring him)   Now where do I find this villain who has caused you so much grief?

 TOWNSFOLK:  (pointing at HERCULES)  There he is.

 PERSEUS looks HERCULES up and down.

 PERSEUS:  You?  You are mighty Hercules?

 HERCULES:  That’s right and I think…

 PERSEUS:  You are the one who has caused so much trouble for these good people?

 TOWNSFOLK:  Yes!

 HERCULES:  Trouble?  I’m not trouble I’m just trying to help; I’m just a little clumsy that’s all.

 TOWNSFOLK:  Hah!

 PERSEUS:  That’s what all the monsters say, well apart from the Minotaur, he admitted everything and the Kraken, he just growled a lot, but apart from them, that’s what they all say.  (PERSEUS draws sword)  Very well Hercules, shall we begin?

 TOWNSFOLK:  Yeah!

 HERCULES:  Begin what?

 TOWNSFOLK:  Yes, what?

 PERSEUS:  Our fight to the death, what do you think?

 TOWNSFOLK:  Hooray!

 HERCULES:  I’m not going to fight you.

 TOWNSFOLK:  Boo!

 PERSEUS:  Ah, a coward I see.

 TOWNSFOLK:  Yes, a coward!

 PERSEUS:  Will you all please stop doing that.

 TOWNSFOLK:  Sorry.

 HERCULES:  No I’m not a coward, I’m not going to fight you because we’re in the same business.

 PERSEUS:  You sell insurance?

 HERCULES:  No, I’m a hero too.

 TOWNSFOLK roar with laughter.

 TOWNPERSON 1:  He’s no hero.

 TOWNPERSON 2:  He does nothing but cause trouble.

 HERCULES:  I am a hero, I’m just a little unfortunate that’s all.

 TOWNPERSON 1:  We’re the ones that are unfortunate, we have to put up with having you around.

 TOWNPERSON 2:  Be gone with you, and leave us in peace.

 HERCULES sadly exits left, TOWNSFOLK mingle about.

 PERSEUS:  Well this place isn’t quite what I expected, firstly this terrifying monster, Hercules, turns out to be nothing more than a clumsy and really rather pathetic man, and then the supposedly good people of Athens do nothing but be cruel to him.  Oh well, there doesn’t seem to be anything here for me, I may as well go back to Argos.  (sees box)  Hello, what’s that, seems as though someone’s left their valuables lying around in the street, we can’t be having that, I’d better see if I can find the owner.

 PERSEUS goes to box.

 AUDIENCE:  Cerberus.

 PERSEUS:  What the…?   (CERBERUS comes bounding out of school barking and then corners PERSEUS and growls at him.  Nervously)  Hey pup, how’re you doing? 

 ANDROMEDA enters from school.

 ANDROMEDA:  Good boy Cerberus, well done children.  So thief, what do have to say for yourself?

 PERSEUS:  Quite a lot actually, particularly to one as beautiful as you, but would you mind calling your dog off first?

 ANDROMEDA:  Give me one good reason why I should.

 PERSEUS:  My boyish good looks.

 ANDROMEDA:  You’ll have to do better than that.

 PERSEUS:  My magnificent warrior prowess.

 ANDROMEDA:  No.

 PERSEUS:  My finely shaped thighs?

 ANDROMEDA:  Now you’re just being silly.

 PERSEUS:  Ok, how about, I’m not a thief I just thought that someone had lost that box and I was going to return it to its rightful owner?

 ANDROMEDA:  You were?  Oh, sorry.  Cerberus, come here boy.

 CERBERUS barks and goes to ANDROMEDA.

 PERSEUS:  Thank you fair lady, now may I have the pleasure of your name?

 ANDROMEDA:  Andromeda.

 PERSEUS:  (bowing)   Greetings fair Andromeda, I am Perseus, Prince of Argos.

 ANDROMEDA:  Oh, have you brought the new catalogue?

 PERSEUS:  (clenched teeth)  No.

 ANDROMEDA:  Then what brings you to Athens, your Highness.

 PERSEUS:  Please, call me Perseus, I actually came here to vanquish a mighty foe.

 ANDROMEDA:  Really?

 PERSEUS:  Yes, unfortunately it just turned out to be some really pathetic guy.

 ANDROMEDA:  Oh dear.

 PERSEUS:  Quite frankly I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone so lame.

 ANDROMEDA:  No?

 PERSEUS:  Yes, he had to be the saddest human I’ve ever met.

 ANDROMEDA:  What was his name?

 PERSEUS:  Hercules.  (ANDROMEDA stamps on PERSEUS’S foot.)  Ow!

 ANDROMEDA:  Pig!

 ANDROMEDA and CERBERUS exit left.

 PERSEUS:  What did I say?   What’s the matter with everyone in this town?  Andromeda, wait!

 PERSEUS exits left.  PANDORA enters from school.

 PANDORA:  Hello boys and girls, I’ve finally got the classroom cleared up again after that stupid dog wrecked it, (sees TOWNSFOLK) and not a moment too soon, all the children are here and ready for school.  You know I never seem to stop working and those two kids of mine are no help, they can’t even guard that box properly, they get you and that dog to do it, still it’s better than nothing I suppose.  Well all this standing around talking isn’t getting school started, come along children gather round.

 CHILDREN run to PANDORA.

 SONG 3  Short lively number, PANDORA and CHILDREN.

 Song finishes, PANDORA and CHILDREN exit to school, TOWNSFLOK exit to wings.  ARES enters stealthily right moving in a military fashion.   He crouches centre stage and makes beckoning hand signals.  NEMESIS, APHRODITE, POSEIDON and EROS enter right.

 APHRODITE:  What is Ares doing?

 POSEIDON:  Argh, I know not but it be the strangest thing I ever did see.

 EROS:  Definitely not cool, Ares needs to get a groove going on.

 NEMESIS:  (loudly)   Ares, explain your actions or I will make you pay with your life!

 ARES:  Listen up people, we are at war, we need to treat everything like a military operation.

 APHRODITE:  Why?

 ARES:  That’s on a need to know basis, soldier!

 APHRODITE:  Hello!  Goddess of Beauty!  I don’t do fighting, I have way too delicate a skin complexion for that sort of thing, ask Nemesis, she’s totally manlike.

 NEMESIS:  I will destroy you and cast you into the fiery pits of hell if you say that to me again!

 APHRODITE:  Issues much.

 EROS:  Ladies, be cool, I give you my personal assurance that if any bad vibes come near then they’ll have to get past the God of Love first.

 POSEIDON:  Speaking of which me hearties, what are we going to do about being shipwrecked down here on earth.

 NEMESIS:  Destroy Hades!

 POSEIDON:  Argh, I feel I must be agreeing to that plan, we can’t let the scurvy dog get away with taking over Olympus.

 EROS:  Casting us out of the heavens was definitely not cool.

 ARES:  A full frontal assault is out of the question, we are out manned and out gunned and Hades holds the high ground.  This is not a good situation people.

 APHRODITE:  Yeah, we have to live among mortals.  Eeuw!  They can like die and everything, how gross is that?  (Sound of mobile phone ringing, APHRODITE takes phone out of handbag and answers it.)  Hello…Oh hi…Oh I’m on earth with the other gods, total losers every one of them, it’s doing nothing for my complexion sweetie, I’m just like so stressed…Well there’s Ares, God of War, he’s sort of cute but a total nerd, would do so little for my image, and Eros, God of Love, he’s like living in a time warp, that’s when he’s not dancing it, hello, Mr Yesterday much?  Then there’s Poseidon, God of the Sea, what’s the point of that, God of the Beach I could totally relate to but the sea, he just like totally smells of fish like all the time, and then there’s Nemesis, Goddess of Vengeance and Retribution, Goddess of Cellulite and Bad Hair more like, she just so doesn’t like me, I think it’s because I’m the Goddess of Beauty and she’s intimidated by that, which is wrong because I’m like totally likable, people say it’s because I’m so gorgeous but personally I think it’s because I’m so deep.  Anyway, we’ve got like a major crises going on, must go sweetie, call me, we’ll do lunch.  (blows kisses down phone, then hangs up and put phone back in bag.  Other GODS glare at APHRODITE)  What?  (worried)  Do I have something on my face?  Oh no. 

 APHRODITE takes out makeup kit and begins checking her face.

 POSEIDON:  We still don’t have us a plan for dealing with Hades, me hearties.

 APHRODITE puts makeup kit away.

 APHRODITE:  Oh for heaven’s sake, haven’t any of you been to a pantomime before?  (steps forward)  Help, is there no one that can save us?

 AUDIENCE:  Hercules, strongest man ever.

 APHRODITE:  See, all we got to do is find this Hercules, he’ll totally save us.   

 ARES:  We have a name, we still need a location.

 POSEIDON:  (sees box)   Perhaps that there box will provide us with a clue.

 POSIDON goes to box.

 AUDIENCE:  Cerberus.

 CERBERUS runs on left and barks and growls at GODS, PANDORA enters from school.

 PANDORA:  That’s right boy, show these thieves off.

 EROS:  Hey sweet thing, the only thief around here is the one that’s just stolen my heart; groovy.

 PANDORA:  Ooh.

 HERCULES, ANDROMEDA and PERSEUS enter left.  HERCULES immediately sees GODS whilst PERSEUS and ANDROMEDA continue arguing.

 PERSEUS:  Well I didn’t know he was your brother.

 ANDROMEDA:  That’s not the point, you still think he’s pathetic.  He happens to be the sweetest man you could ever wish to meet and not only that he could rip you limb from limb if he wanted to.

 PERSEUS:  (sarcastically)  Oh sure, that’ll make me like him.

 HERCULES:  Er, guys…

 ANDROMEDA:  Well if you bothered to get to know him then you probably would like him, but no you just judge him on outward appearances.

 PERSEUS:  No I didn’t, I judged him from what everyone else told me of him.

 HERCULES:  Could I just…

 ANDROMEDA:  Oh that’s perfect, a bunch of complete strangers tell you something and instead of using your own eyes you just take their word for it.

 PERSEUS:  Well what was I supposed to do?

 HERCULES:  I really think…

 ANDROMEDA:  Try giving him the benefit of the doubt would be a step in the right direction.

 PERSEUS:  I have monsters to kill, I don’t have time to go around giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.

 HERCULES:  There are some…

 ANDROMEDA:  (sarcastically)  Oh well I’m sorry your Highness, I didn’t realise that we mere mortals were too inconvenient for your busy, heroic schedule.

 PERSEUS:  I didn’t mean it like that, all I meant was that I can’t go around paying attention to every single person I meet.

 HERCULES:  If you two could…

 ANDROMEDA:  Well you seem to have time to pay attention to every girl you meet.

 PERSEUS:  Not every girl at all, just ones with nice…

 HERCULES:  Guys!

 ANDROMEDA+PERSEUS:  What?!

 HERCULES:  We have guests.

 ANDROMEDA:  That’s nice Hercules but I think…

 ARES:  (interrupting)   Hercules?  Your name is Hercules?

 PANDORA:  Yes, he’s my little boy.

 HERCULES:  Well personally I prefer, Hercules, champion of the people…

 PERSEUS:  Ha!  (ANDROMEDA stamps on his foot)  Ow!

 HERCULES:  ...warrior of the light…

 PERSEUS:  Ha!  (ANDROMEDA stamps on his foot)  Ow!

 HERCULES:  …defender of justice…

 PERSEUS:  Ha!  (ANDROMEDA stamps on his foot)  Ow!

 HERCULES:  …and saviour of mankind.

 PERSEUS:  Ha!  (ANDROMEDA stamps but PERSEUS moves his foot)  Ha!  (ANDROMEDA stamps on his other foot)  Ow!

 APHRODITE:  Then you’re like totally the man we’re looking for, and you’re like totally buff.

 HERCULES:  (bashfully)   Well I’m no stranger to the gym, how may I be of assistance?

 NEMESIS:  We need you to destroy Hades, God of the Underworld!

 HERCULES:  No problem, I’ll have it done by the end…(realises what they just said) whoa!  Destroy Hades, God of the Underworld?!

 ARES:  Affirmative.

 HERCULES:  Okay then.   Perseus, do you want to get this one?

 PERSEUS:  You must be mad, we can’t destroy a god.

 ANDROMEDA:  Who are you people?

 EROS:  We are the Gods of Olympus; ooh yeah.

 ANDROMEDA:  The who what now?

 NEMESIS:  The Gods of Olympus, now kneel before us puny mortals!

 EROS:  Easy, sweet thing, let’s keep our cool.  Like I said, we are the Gods of Olympus, I am Eros, God of Love.

 POSEIDON:  Ahoy there shipmates, the name’s Poseidon, God of the Sea, arrgh.

 ARES:  Ares, God of War, reporting for duty.

 NEMESIS:  I am Nemesis, Goddess of Vengeance and Retribution!

 APHRODITE:  Ok, before I tell you my name, I would just like to say that I’m very pleased to be here and you have no idea how special and emotional this moment is for me, and I love your dog because I love working with animals and care deeply about the environment and if you have any children then I love them too and I really, really hope that one day we can all come together in both body and spirit and embrace world peace.  (Pause, ALL stare at APHRODITE)  What?  Oh yeah, right, my name.  Aphrodite, Goddess of Beauty, like it’s not totally obvious.

 PERSEUS:  Well what are you doing here, shouldn’t you be in the heavens doing…whatever it is gods do all day?

 POSEIDON:  We would be laddie, but Hades has cast us out of Olympus to live among you mortals.

 PANDORA:  But surely Zeus wouldn’t allow that?

 EROS:  Zeus has been captured by Hades and now all he does is give out bad vibes.

 PANDORA:  So why come to us for help?

 ARES:  We have intelligence that says Hercules is the strongest man ever, only he can defeat Hades and return us to our proper command.

 HERCULES:  I’d love to help, but I think this is a little out of my league.

 POSEIDON:  You were our last hope.  Well shipmates, what do we do now, we’ve been cast adrift with nowhere to bunk.

 EROS:  We have no idea how to live like mortals, we’ve lost our groove and there’s nowhere to party.

 PANDORA:  Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect solution, you can stay with us until you get settled, and you can go to my school and learn all about living like a mortal.  Come on everyone, the children will be wondering where I am.  

 GODS and PANDORA exit to school.

 PERSEUS:  I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

 HERCULES:  Nonsense, what could possibly go wrong?

 PERSEUS:  You mean apart from Hades turning up and destroying us all?

 HERCULES:  I’m sure we’ll find a way to stop him if he does.

 PERSEUS:  Stop Hades, God of the Dead when all powerful Zeus couldn’t?  You’re an idiot.  (ANDROMEDA stamps on PERSEUS’S foot)  Ow!

 ALL exit to school, PERSEUS limping.