PROLOGUE
A MAGICAL PLACE
GRUESOME enters left.
GRUESOME: Well,
well what do we have here
Children sitting in
sight
But soon my little
ones have no fear
You’ll be sitting in
fright.
My master, the
Storm King will come
To claim his
beautiful bride
She can’t escape,
she’s nowhere to run
And what is more
she’s nowhere to hide.
FAIRY NUFF enters right.
NUFF: Gruesome,
I might have known
It would be you making all of
the noise
I will defeat you, if I must
alone
And what is more with grace and
poise.
GRUESOME: You’re
no match for me, little bug
My master will
crush you soon
NUFF: Your
master will be beaten and your ugly mug
And the world will feel the
boon.
I will summon a hero, brave and
true
To aid me in my quest
He will help me beat down you
A fate that is surely best.
GRUESOME: A
hero to beat me!
I laugh in your
pitiful face
NUFF: He
will win through, just you see
And lay your plans to waste.
GRUESOME exits left
laughing evilly.
Soon, a hero I must choose
To thwart Gruesome’s
evil plan
We have to win, we cannot lose
Where will I find such a man?
The first one to call my name
Just call out Fairy Nuff
He’ll be the hero, the Storm
King’s bane
I just hope it’ll be enough.
FAIRY NUFF exits right.
ACT 1
SCENE 1
VILLAGE MARKETPLACE
Curtain up on a bright,
colourful village marketplace. Stalls
decorate stage and villagers bustle about whilst merchants try to sell them
their wares. A bank with a door stands
downstage left.
SONG
1 Lively chorus number
performed by VILLAGERS and MERCHANTS.
SIMPLE SIMON enters right.
SIMON: Good
morning, everybody.
VILLAGERS: Good
morning, Simon.
VILLAGER 1: Do
a trick, Simon.
VILLAGER 2: Tell
us a joke.
VILLAGER 3: Sing
us a song.
SIMON: I’m
afraid I’m too busy to entertain you all this morning,
I’ve got far more important things to do.
VILLAGER 1: Such
as?
SIMON: Such
as buying Princess Lilly a birthday present.
MERCHANTS suddenly become
very interested.
MERCHANT: Well
we’ve got plenty of goods here, what would you like?
SIMON goes over to
MERCHANT’S stall.
SIMON: That
depends, what have you got that doesn’t cost any money?
MERCHANT: Nothing.
SIMON: I’ll
take three. Can you gift wrap them? (MERCHANT slams a big “SORRY, WE’RE
CLOSED” sign on his stall) I’ll take
that as a no then. (notices audience) Well
hello, what do we have here? Visitors by the looks of it.
Hello, kids, my name’s Simple Simon, entertainer to the court of His
Majesty, King Philip. The problem is,
I’m in a bit of a pickle at the moment, it’s his daughter’s birthday today and
I haven’t got her a present yet and as I haven’t got any money I don’t know
what I’m going to do. (has a sudden thought)
Here, I know what, instead of buying her something I can write
something for her, it is what I’m best at after all. Now the first thing I’ve got to do is work on
my entrance. Every good entertainer
needs a grand entrance. I know, you could all help me out.
Every time I come on I’ll shout out “He’s so funny, he’s so fine,” and
then you all shout back, “it’s time to laugh, it’s Simon time”. Will you do that?
AUDIENCE: Yes.
SIMON: Great,
let’s have a practice, remember it’s “ it’s time to
laugh, it’s Simon time”. (SIMON exits
right then runs back on again) He’s
so funny, he’s so fine…
AUDIENCE+CHORUS: It’s
time to laugh, it’s Simon time!
SIMON: That
was rubbish, you’ve got to shout louder than
that. Remember you’re about to watch
Simon, Entertainer Extraordinaire, not (boring adult TV programme). Let’s have another go. (SIMON exits right then runs back on
again) He’s so funny, he’s so fine…
AUDIENCE+CHORUS: It’s
time to laugh, it’s Simon time!
SIMON: That
was a little bit better, but I still think you can be louder than that. This time I want you to make more noise than
the (local football club) fan club…all three of them. (SIMON runs off and runs back on
again) He’ so funny, he’s so fine…
AUDIENCE+CHORUS: It’s
time to laugh, it’s Simon time!
SIMON: That
was great, that’s just what I need for my entrance. Now all I’ve got to do is figure out how I’m
going to entertain the princess. I know,
I’ll write her a poem. (As SIMON
recites poem he moves stage left until he stands next to door downstage left.)
The prettiest princess you
ever saw
When you see her you’ll go, fwor
We like her so much we want
more and more
DAME TROT opens door
downstage left into SIMON’S face, she enters and closes door, revealing SIMON
looking dazed.
SIMON: I
do believe I’ve been hit by a door.
SIMON collapses.
TROT: What
are you doing down there, you fool?
SIMON tries to rise.
SIMON: (groggily) Princess…poem…door…face…boys
and girls.
SIMON collapses again.
TROT: Boys
and girls? (notices
audience) Oh hello, I didn’t know we
were having visitors. You must all be
here for Princess Lilly’s birthday party, I heard we
were having some foreign dignitaries coming.
Anyone here from (local town)? (response) Oh we’ll lock up our valuables then. Anyone here from (another
local town)? (response) In that
case we’ll lock up our daughters too. I
don’t want any more competition than necessary now that I’m pushing thirty.
SIMON rises up a little.
SIMON: From
which direction.
CHORUS
laugh.
TROT: I
thought you were supposed to be unconscious.
(SIMON collapses again) Allow
me to introduce myself, my name’s Dame Trot and I own a small farm not far from
here. I was just visiting the bank
manager to see if I could get a loan, (sadly) I need one, you see, I’m
very, very poor. (possible
reaction from audience) I’m a lot
poorer than that, boy and girls.
AUDIENCE: Ahh.
TROT: That’s
better. Now the bank manager said I
couldn’t have a loan because I didn’t have a big enough asset to cover it. I said, thanks for the compliment, love, but
it’s not going to pay off my debts is it.
Unfortunately my son doesn’t help, Jack his name is, he’s
handsome, brave and as useless as a chocolate teapot. He’s never around when I need him, just like
his father, he was useless too. I never
got a days work out of him, he was more useful when
he died, he made lovely compost.
Speaking of useless, (to SIMON) what are you doing down there?
SIMON: Getting
up.
SIMON stands up.
TROT: Well
shouldn’t you be getting ready for Princess Lilly’s birthday?
SIMON: I
am getting ready, I’m composing a poem especially for
her.
TROT: Ooh really, let’s
hear it then.
SIMON: I’m
going to tell you about the princess now
As pretty as a picture but I
don’t know how
All who see her stop and say
wow
(DAISY enters left, but is
not seen by TROT or SIMON.)
I would like to say to her, (DAISY knocks SIMON) you
stupid cow!
TROT: You
stupid cow? You can’t say that to the
princess.
SIMON: No,
that stupid cow. I’m going to go and
write my poem in peace.
SIMON exits right.
TROT: (laughing) Well done,
Daisy. This is Daisy, boys and girls, she lives with us on our farm. Hello, Daisy, are
you alright? (DAISY nods) Isn’t Jack with you? (DAISY shakes head) Well where is he, that
useless layabout, he’s supposed to be looking after you. Probably walking around
with his head in the clouds when he should be working as usual. But at least you never let me down.
SONG 2 Short-lively number performed by TROT, DAISY and CHILDREN.
Come on, Daisy, let’s go and
see if we can find Jack and see if we get some work out of him.
TROT and DAISY exit left,
followed by CHORUS. JACK enters right
cautiously looking around.
JACK: Phew,
that was close; I thought she’d never leave.
If mum caught me hanging about she’d soon get me working on the farm,
and it’s far too nice a day for farm work.
In fact every day is far too nice a day for farm work come to think
about it. It’s just so boring working on
a farm. I want to be a great hero like
in the story books, battling dragons, rescuing fair damsels, finding lost
treasure. Just one grand adventure and
I’d be happy, I can then say to the world I’ve had my
adventure, fair enough…
FAIRY NUFF enters right.
NUFF: You
called?