ACT 1

SCENE 1 (Part of Scene Only)

WOODLAND VILLAGE

JOAN: Good morning everyone.

CHORUS: Good morning Little Joan.

JOAN: Is everybody merry?

CHORUS: Absolutely slaughtered.

VILLAGER 1: (pointing to AUDIENCE) They’re not joining in Joan.

JOAN: Who isn’t? (notices AUDIENCE) Oh, hello, I didn’t know we were having company. Come to think of it you don’t look very familiar actually, in fact I don’t believe I’ve seen any of you ever before.

VILLAGER 2: (panicking) Perhaps they’re the Sheriff’s soldiers.

VILLAGER 1: Run to the trees!

JOAN: Wait! Settle down! (CHORUS begin to calm down.) They’re not the Sheriff’s soldiers, look, they’re far too poorly dressed, they’re just peasants like us. (CHORUS breath a sigh of relief.) Welcome visitors to our humble little woodland village. Allow me to introduce myself, my name’s Joan Little but my friends call me Little Joan on account of me being so slim and lithe like. (CHORUS laugh) Watch it. Please forgive our earlier suspicion, we’re all outlaws you see and the Sheriff of Nottingham has got a price on the head of each and every on of us. Not a high enough price if you ask me but he was always an old skinflint that one. You see he’s trying to take over the country whilst our king, Richard the Lion Heart is away doing whatever it is medieval kings do in foreign countries. It’s probably charity work or something. Anyway, the Sheriff of Nottingham has captured all the good lords who were loyal to the king and raised taxes so high to fund his own army that we can barely afford to eat. So, we’ve rebelled against him and we’re now hiding out here in Sherwood Forest. We would overthrow him but we’ve no one to lead us, and let’s be honest, what are the chances of us finding a thigh-slapping hero out here. Anyway, would you like to join our band of outlaws?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

JOAN: Oh how lovely. I’m so pleased that you’re keen to become a bunch of murderous, thieving lawbreakers. I suppose I should find that disturbing really but I don’t for some reason. Now, the first thing you need to do to become an outlaw is to be merry. Here’s what I want you to do. Every time I come on I’ll shout out "is everybody merry?" and you’ll shout back "absolutely slaughtered". Just a little alcoholic outlaw humour. Now let’s have a practice shall we. (JOAN exits right then comes back on.) Is everybody merry?

AUDIENCE: Absolutely slaughtered.

JOAN: That wasn’t very good, you can do better than that for Auntie Joan. Let’s give it one more try. (JOAN exits right then comes back on.) Is everybody merry?

AUDIENCE: Absolutely slaughtered.

JOAN: Wonderful, you’re now all a bunch drunken outlaws. Don’t tell Social Services about this by the way, they really don’t have much of a sense of humour about this sort of thing.

TUCK: (offstage) Shut up with that noise filthy English merry type people!

JOAN: Ignore him, it’s just Tuck, he’s not merry at all. He’s a fryer you know, egg and chips mainly. Very reasonably priced but not very good for the hips. I work for him at his café, he’s not too bad to work for, he’s just needs a good woman to cheer him up a bit.

TUCK: Hey, Little Joan, why you and filthy English merry types make so much a noise when Tuck is a creating culinary masterpieces.

JOAN: Culinary masterpieces? You own a greasy spoon and serve egg and chips.

TUCK: Not just egg and a chips, I also serve sausage and a chips, bacon and a chips, fish and a chips and the speciality of the house chips and a chips.

JOAN: Don’t you ever do anything that’s not fried?

TUCK: Cake.

JOAN: Anything with it?

TUCK: A chips.

JOAN: Silly question really.

TUCK: Good solid English food for solid English merry types, and good solid English ladies.

JOAN: And what exactly do you mean by that?

TUCK: Only that in Italy we appreciate perfect form like a yours. Anyway, I’ve a no time to stand around a talking to you, no matter how a ravishing you may look, where is the girl?

JOAN: She’s out running errands, she’ll be back soon.

TUCK: Mama mia, why do I put up with these filthy English merry type people?

JOAN: Greasy little foreigner, he’ll be the heart disease of us all. I don’t know why he’s here he just turned up one day and started cooking, badly. That is he cooks when he’s not moaning, which is something he does very well indeed. He keeps looking at me funny as well, all dark and predatory like. If we’re going to get closer to Europe I do hope the rest of them aren’t like that.

MARION: Hello Little Joan.

JOAN: Hello love. (to AUDIENCE) This is Maid Marion she works at the café too, isn’t she lovely.

MARION: Stop it Joan you’re embarrassing me.

JOAN: I know love, but you’re like a daughter to me, so I feel it’s my duty to embarrass you. (to AUDIENCE) I’m looking for a man for her but I haven’t had any luck yet. She needs someone heroic with nice thighs.

MARION: Joan! I don’t need anything of the sort, I’m quite happy being a single girl.

JOAN: You’ll soon change your tune when you meet Mr Right. Speaking of men, misery guts is looking for you, I told him you were on an errand, so keep your head low.

MARION: Thank you Joan, I’ll do that.

JOAN: Think nothing of it love. I suppose I should get back to work or he’ll be out here looking for me too.

MARION: Little Joan is funny and between you and me I think she has a bit of a soft spot for Fryer Tuck, though she won’t admit it. I hope they get married one day, that’s not the life for me though.

VILLAGER 1: Marion, why are you carrying a box around?

MARION: It’s a bit of an odd story actually. I was just taking a walk through the forest when a man came up to me and just gave it to me. He said that I must protect it with my life and that the future of the whole country could depend upon what’s inside.

VILLAGER 2: What is inside?

MARION: I have no idea, but he did say I was forbidden to look on orders of the king.

VILLAGER 2: The king? Do you think he’ll be returning soon?

MARION: I don’t know, I hope so, if anyone can deal with the Sheriff of Nottingham it’s him. This box is a little heavy though, I don’t care what the king says, I can’t carry it around with me all the time.

VILLAGER 1: Are you sure it will be safe there?

MARION: Probably not. I know, we could get all the boys and girls to keep an eye on it. (to AUDIENCE) Will you keep an eye on this box for us?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

MARION: Great, now here’s what I want you to do, every time anyone goes near it I want you to distract them by screaming as loud as you can. Like this. (MARION screams) Have you got that?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

MARION: Right, let’s have a practice. I’ll pretend I’m going to steal the box and you all scream at me. Oh, look, someone’s left a box lying around, I wonder what’s inside. (MARION goes to box, AUDIENCE and CHORUS scream.) That was wonderful, now remember, anyone goes near it, scream as loud as you can. I think Richard the Lionheart will be pleased with his new guards. I hope he does come back soon, then we can all go home and be happy again.

WILL: Make way, make way for the hero of Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood!

ROBIN: Will, there’s nobody here.

WILL: I think you’re right.

ROBIN: Well what’s the point of me striking heroic poses when there’s nobody here to see them? It seems a little silly.

WILL: I don’t understand it, my sources quite clearly said that this was a bustling village.

ROBIN: Well your sources were clearly wrong. I can’t be a hero without an audience and there’s nothing here but birds, squirrels and (pointing to AUDIENCE) hundreds of people on seats. Get me an audience!

WILL: I suppose we could use them.

ROBIN: The thought had crossed my mind. The thing is Will, why didn’t they cheer me before?

WILL: Perhaps they don’t know who you are. I’ll introduce you. (grandly to AUDIENCE) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I give you the greatest archer in the land, the bravest warrior of the people, the hero of Sherwood Forest, the most magnificent slapper of thighs, the one, the only, Robin Hood!

ROBIN: They still don’t sound very impressed Will. I’m going away now, and when I come back I want an impressed audience, if I don’t I’ll be looking for a new assistant.