ACT 1

SCENE 1(Part Scene Only)

VILLAGE FAIR

BETTY: Good morning everyone.

VILLAGERS: Morning.

BETTY: The decorations look lovely everyone, the princess is going to be pleased as punch. (sees AUDIENCE) Oh hello, it seems we have some unexpected guests. It’s a pleasure to meet you all, my name’s Nurse Betty. Now, many of you may be wondering what on earth all the fuss is about, well I’ll tell you. Today is the eighteenth birthday of the Princess Snow White and we’re having a bit of a party for her, because she’s such a lovely girl. Well I’m a bit biased actually, you see I’ve been looking after Princess Snow White ever since she was a tiny baby as her poor mother had passed away, so you see she’s like a daughter to me. The thing is the time for her needing a nurse is drawing to an end, she’s all grown up now and she’ll be off getting married and having children of her own soon. (filling up) What will become of me, what will I do then, I’ll be out of a job.

AUDIENCE: Ahh.

BETTY: Oh thank you for your sympathy boys and girls, it’s nice to know you care, particularly as I’m a virtual stranger to you. But don’t worry, I’m sure something will come up. Well this isn’t getting the party ready in time for the princess’s arrival is it. Now here’s what I want you to do, when Snow White comes on I want you all to shout out "happy birthday Princess" as loud as you can, will you do that?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

BETTY: Oh, you’re ever such a lovely bunch. Now let’s have a practice shall we. After three, one, two, three.

AUDIENCE: Happy birthday Princess.

BETTY: That’s such a good effort, but I think you can do a little better than that. Let’s try it again shall we, one, two, three.

AUDIENCE: Happy birthday Princess.

BETTY: Wonderful, she’ll love that. She always says that a warm welcome is better than a hundred expensive presents, but then we’d all say that if our father was a king and bought us anything we wanted any day of the week. Not that she’s spoilt, but she can be a bit of a funny girl sometimes. She has a very overactive imagination, she keeps saying that none of this is real and it’s all a charade for one thing. Have you ever heard anything so daft in all your life? Well it seems everything is ready for the party, (fanfare) and not a moment too soon, because here she comes.

SNOW WHITE: Thank you everyone for that warm welcome, I would just like to say that coming here amongst you all is always my favourite part of any birthday. (VILLAGERS cheer) It’s just lovely to be greeted in such a way.

BETTY: We haven’t finished yet. (to AUDIENCE) Ready, one, two, three.

AUDIENCE: Happy birthday Princess.

SNOW WHITE: Thank you everyone.

BETTY: I trained them myself you know.

KING: Bring out the cake!

BETTY: Blow out the candles and make a wish. (SNOW WHITE blows out candles) What did you wish for?

SNOW WHITE: I can’t tell you that, it won’t come true. Thank you everyone, thank you for giving me a wonderful birthday.

KING: It isn’t finished yet, there will be a big party at the castle and you still have your presents to open.

SNOW WHITE: Oh you haven’t got me presents as well? Really, it’s just too much.

BETTY: Oh don’t tell fibs, you love it really.

SNOW WHITE: Ok, maybe just a bit. (SNOW WHITE goes to presents) Which shall I open first?

BETTY: Whichever one you choose just make sure you leave the one from me until you get back to the castle, it’s girlie thing and not to be seen by kiddies. Tell you what, open the big one.

KING: Who’s it from?

SNOW WHITE: It says here it’s from the Seven Dwarves.

KING: The Seven Dwarves? What nonsense, they’re just a myth.

SNOW WHITE: It’s not nonsense father, it’s true.

KING: Oh Snow White, you’re still given to flights of fancy. I remember when you were a child, you believed that one day men would walk on the moon and fly in great machines. What did you call them now…?

BETTY: Hairy planes and belly poppers.

KING: That was it. Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?

VILLAGERS laugh.

SNOW WHITE: It’s true father, the dwarves do exist, I don’t care what you say.

KING: Snow White, you are to be Queen one day, it’s time you stopped these silly childish fantasies and started taking on a little more responsibility. Now, enough of the lectures, it’s your birthday. Open your presents.

SNOW WHITE: Yes father. (SNOW WHITE opens present from dwarves to reveal ROBOT DANCER. A large button saying "press here" is on ROBOT.) What on earth is it?

KING: It seems to be some sort of mechanical person.

BETTY: What does that button do?

SNOW WHITE: Only one way to find out.

KING: Careful Snow White, it could be dangerous.

SNOW WHITE: How wonderful!

BETTY: It is very lifelike, I wonder if they come in fireman shape.

KING: It certainly is most remarkable, who could have built such a thing?

SNOW WHITE: The dwarves father, who else.

KING: Now Snow White, I am not going to tell you again, there are no Seven Dwarves.

SNOW WHITE: But the legends say that the dwarves do build wonderful…

KING: Enough Snow White. It’s obviously some sort of practical joke, I think we need to get this thing back to the castle and study it further. (points to a couple of VILLAGERS) You there, give us a hand with this will you.

SNOW WHITE: No one believes me. Ok, I must admit that in the past I’ve come up with some pretty wild fantasies about what happens in the future, but the dwarves do exist, I just know that they do. Father thinks I should spend more time thinking about trade and border disputes and public sanitation, whatever that is. It’s just all so boring. Isn’t there any magic left in the world?

EDWARD: What a lovely day, the birds are singing, the sun is shinning, the…(notices scenery around him) hello, what’s going on here then? Seems to be some sort of a celebration, and that means a party. Hang on, it’s too early in the morning for a party, these people must be crazy. (pause) This coming from the man standing in the middle of the street talking to himself. (goes to VILLAGER) Good day to you my good woman.

VILLAGER: Good day sir.

EDWARD: You seem to be having a bit of a celebration, what’s the occasion?

VILLAGER: Why, it’s Princess Snow White’s birthday of course.

EDWARD: Princess Snow White? There’s a Princess Snow White?

VILLAGER: Of course sir, you must be from a long way off not to have heard of Princess Snow White.

EDWARD: I only live about a mile away. Maybe this is sign that I should get out more? Or it could be the fact that I’ve gone back to talking to myself is a sign that I should get out more. (SNOW WHITE enters left and looks at stalls and talks to VILLAGERS.) Phaw, check her out, she’s a real beauty. Now she’s definitely a sign that I should get out more. I think some of the old Eddy charm is called for here. (goes to SNOW WHITE) Greetings fair maiden.

SNOW WHITE: Hello.

VILLAGERS begin to exit.

EDWARD: Is there an airport nearby or is that the sound of my heart taking off?

SNOW WHITE: I don’t know, what’s an airport?

EDWARD: Er, it’s a thing we’ll have in the future.

SNOW WHITE: Oh, what are they for?

EDWARD: Well, going on holidays and stuff.

SNOW WHITE: What sort of stuff?

EDWARD: Well you know, stuff…it’s not important. The point is, is that the sound of my heart taking off?

SNOW WHITE: (listens) I don’t know, I can’t hear anything.

EDWARD: No, you don’t understand there isn’t actually a sound.

SNOW WHITE: There isn’t?

EDWARD: Technically no, but what I’m trying to…

SNOW WHITE: So this sound is all in your mind?

EDWARD: No, I think…

SNOW WHITE: And why would your heart takeoff anyway, wouldn’t you die without it?

EDWARD: Well, yes but…

SNOW WHITE: And an airport sounds silly, why would anyone want to port air, surely you’d want to keep it where it’s convenient.

EDWARD: No, I don’t think you’re getting my point, I’m trying to introduce myself.

SNOW WHITE: Well you’ve got a funny way of doing it. Perhaps you would have more success if you stopped going on about hearts and airports and just said something like, hello, what’s your name?

EDWARD: Edward.

SNOW WHITE: What?

EDWARD: My name, it’s Edward, you asked.

SNOW WHITE: I did? Oh, well my name’s Snow White.

EDWARD: It’s a pleasure to meet…wait a minute, Snow White? The Princess Snow White?

SNOW WHITE: Know any other girls with such a weird name?

EDWARD: Come to think of it, no.

SNOW WHITE: It is a bit of a funny name, I don’t know why my parents gave it to me. I would have been happy with something like Sharon or Trish or Sarah or Tracy or…

EDWARD: Listen Snow White, you seem really, really nice and funny and I would love to stay here I really would, but I don’t think I should be talking to you.

SNOW WHITE: Why?

EDWARD: Well, you know, what with you being a princess and everything, I think you may be a little out of my league. And besides, I kind of like my head where it is, I wouldn’t like to guess where it would end up if the king found me chatting you up. It was nice meeting you, but…bye.

SNOW WHITE: Funny boy. A pity he wouldn’t stay and talk, he was nice, if a little weird. I know, I’m having a bit of a birthday party at the castle later, perhaps he’d like to come. (calling) Edward, wait!