ACT 1

SCENE 1

TOWN SQUARE

 Curtain up on a busy street scene.  The Frog’s Legs stands to rear of stage right, tables and chairs sit outside of it.  COMMONERS sit at tables and mingle about.

 SONG 1  Lively song and dance number involving COMMOMERS.

 Song ends, COMMONERS break off into groups whilst some return to tables.  MIMI enters from The Frog’s Legs.

 MIMI:  Bonjour everyone.

 COMMONERS:  Bonjour Mimi.

 MIMI:  What a beautiful day, a day to cast off ones troubles and to burst into spontaneous song for no apparent reason whatsoever.  (notice AUDIENCE)   Oh hello, I didn’t know we were having visitors, welcome to the beautiful city of Paris.  Allow me to introduce myself, my name’s Mimi and I work over there at the Frog’s Legs.  Well I work there now, I’ll let you into a little secret, it’s not my proper job.  I’m really a lady-in-waiting to her Royal Highness, Princess Constance, but that horrible Cardinal Richelieu has taken over the palace and wants to capture the Princess, so we’re hiding from him here.  You won’t tell anyone where the princess is will you?

 AUDIENCE:  No.

 MIMI:  Oh lovely, I knew I was going to like you lot, you’re clean and friendly looking, you must be foreign.   The thing is we don’t know many people round these parts, so we’re a bit short on friends at the moment, so here’s what I want you to do.  I want you to say bonjour to me, that means “hello” in French.  So every time I come on I’ll say “Bonjour boys and girls”, and I want all of you in your best French accents to say (French accent) “Bonjour Mimi.”   Will you do that?

 AUDIENCE:  Yes.

 MIMI:  Oh you’re such an agreeable bunch, you’re definitely foreign.  Let’s have a practice.  (MIMI exits right then comes back on)  Bonjour boys and girls.

 AUDIENCE+COMMONERS:  Bonjour Mimi.

 MIMI:  That was lovely, but I think your French accents could be better, let’s give it another go.   (goes off comes back on)  Bonjour boys and girls.

 AUDIENCE+COMMONERS:  Bonjour Mimi.

 MIMI:  Wonderful, you are now all officially French, and I make no apologies for it.

 CONSTANCE:  (offstage)   Mimi.

 MIMI:  (calling)   I’m out here, love.  (CONSTANCE enters from Frog’s Legs)  This is Princess Constance, boys and girls.

 CONSTANCE:  Mimi, we’re supposed to be hiding.

 MIMI:  Don’t worry love, the boys and girls won’t betray you, I spoke to them for about five minutes and I decided we can trust them.  Like I said boys and girls, this is Constance, isn’t she lovely.  I’ve been lady-in-waiting for her since she was a tiny baby and now she’s grown up into a beautiful young woman.  All she needs is a handsome young prince to marry.  Have we got any in tonight?  (possible reaction from AUDIENCE)  I said, is there anyone here who would like to marry Constance?  (reaction)  Well there seems to be lots of lovely young men in tonight, love, perhaps you could try your luck.

 CONSTANCE:  You know I haven’t got time for things like that, Mimi, we have to figure out how we are going rescue mother and father from the Cardinal.

 MIMI:  It’s not going to be easy, the Cardinal has an army surrounding the palace and another one out looking for you.

 CONSTANCE:  If only the Musketeers were here, they’d help us.

 MIMI:  They’ve been disbanded, they’re just a bunch of drunken layabouts nowadays.  The only fighting they do is in the odd tavern brawl.

 CONSTANCE:  Then we’ve got to find a way to motivate them somehow.

 MIMI:  It’s no good, love, they think it was the King that disbanded them and so they feel betrayed by the one man they swore to protect, and the only person who could possibly motivate them to fight for the King again is you, and what with the Cardinal’s spies everywhere it’s too dangerous for you to reveal yourself.

 CONSTANCE:  I know Mimi, it’s just that I feel so useless here, I want to do something.

 MIMI:  I know you do love, but don’t worry, I’m sure something will turn up soon enough.  We’d better get back to work or we’ll be chucked out of this place too.

 CONSTANCE:  You go on, I’m due a break, I’ll be in later.

 MIMI:  Alright love, I’ll see you later.

 MIMI exits to The Frog’s Legs.

 CONSTANCE:  Mimi’s right, something always turns up in the end to make everything right.  I just hope my parents are okay.  Still, if this is where I’m destined to spend the rest of my life, I might as well try to enjoy it.

 SONG 2  Short, lively song and dance, CONSTANCE and CHILDREN.

 Song finishes, CONSTANCE exits to The Frog’s Legs.  A CARDINAL’S MAN backs onto stage from left fighting someone with sword, as he backs up ATHOS enters beating back the CARDINAL’S MAN.  COMMONERS react by generally getting out of the way and cheering ATHOS on.

 ATHOS:  Ha, ha, have at thee you varlet!  (ATHOS pushes CARDINAL’S MAN’S sword down then punches him in face, knocking him to floor.)   Ha, no contest sir!  (ATHOS slaps thigh.  Two more of CARDINAL’S MEN enter left, swords drawn)  Ah ha, I see you’ve brought two of your chums, jolly good, the more the merrier.

 PORTHOS and ARAMIS enter left behind CARDINAL’S MEN.

 PORTHOS+ARAMIS:  Ha, ha!

 CARDINAL’S MEN turn and PORTHOS and ARAMIS punch them in faces and they fall to floor.  PORTHOS and AREMIS slap thighs.

 PORTHOS:  Be gone with you, you scoundrels!

 All three CARDINAL’S MEN get up and exit left.  COMMONERS cheer, ALL THREE bow to COMMONERS.

 ARAMIS:  Well that was jolly fun.

 ATHOS:  It was until you two turned up, you blighters, they were mine.

 ARAMIS:  Don’t be greedy Athos, there’s plenty to go around.

 PORTHOS:  I don’t know about you chaps but I’ve worked myself up quite an appetite, who’s for breakfast?

 ARAMIS:  You’re always hungry Porthos, it’s a wonder you still fit into your uniform, sir.

 PORTHOS:  How dare you, sir, I should strike you down where you stand, sir.

 ATHOS:  Steady on chaps, we have company.

 All three turn to AUDIENCE.

 ARAMIS:  Well they look like a stand up bunch, despite the fact they’re sitting down.

 PORTHOS:  Perhaps we should introduce ourselves.

 ATHOS:  It would be the polite thing to do.  (to AUDIENCE)   Hello, allow me to introduce myself, (bowing) I am Athos, Musketeer.

 PORTHOS:  (bowing)   I am Porthos, Musketeer.

 ARAMIS:  (bowing)   And I am Aramis, Musketeer.

 ALL THREE:  We’re Frenchies, don’t you know.

 ATHOS:  Now we know we said that we’re all Musketeers but I’m afraid that’s not strictly true.

 PORTHOS:  The Musketeers have actually been disbanded.

 ARAMIS:  The King has decided to get rid of us, for some reason, and replace us with Cardinal Richelieu’s men.

 ATHOS:  The blighter!

 PORTHOS:  But we do like to keep the spirit of the Musketeers alive.

 ARAMIS:  Mainly by beating up the Cardinal’s men at every given opportunity.

 ALL THREE do comical posh laugh.

 ATHOS:  I have an idea, maybe we could use these chaps to help us out.

 PORTHOS:  How?

 ARAMIS:  They’re a little young for fighting.

 ATHOS:  We could teach them our battle cry.

 PORTHOS:  Spiffy!

 ARAMIS:  Splendid idea.

 ATHOS:  (to audience)   Okay chaps, here’s what we want you to do, every time we draw our swords and shout “All for one”, we want all of you to raise your fists and shout “And one for all”, as loudly as you can.  Will you do that?

 AUDIENCE:  Yes.

 ALL THREE:  Marvellous!

 PORTHOS:  Let’s have a practice.

 ALL THREE draw swords and raise them in air.

 ALL THREE:  All for one!

 AUDIENCE+COMMONERS:  And one for all!

 ARAMIS:  Now that wasn’t very good.

 ALL THREE sheath swords.

 PORTHOS:  Musketeers have to shout much louder than that.

 ATHOS:  Let’s give it another go.

 Draw swords.

 ALL THREE:  All for one!

 AUDIENCE+COMMONERS:  And one for all!

 ALL THREE:  Marvellous!

 Sheath swords.

 PORTHOS:  Well I don’t know about you two but all that work has made me feel hungry.

 ARAMIS:  You were hungry before.

 PORTHOS:  Well now I’m hungrier.

 ATHOS:  Well I think we should sing a song first.

 ARAMIS:  Heartily agree with you, old bean.

 PORTHOS:  Well make it a short one, I’m famished.

 SONG 3 Short lively number, MUSKETEERS.

 ARAMIS:  Well that was smashing.

 PORTHOS:  Can we eat now?

 ATHOS:  If we must.   (points to Frog’s Legs)  That looks like a respectable establishment.

 PORTHOS:  Very well then.   Gentlemen, let’s eat!

 ALL THREE:  Ha, ha!

 ALL THREE slap thighs and exit to Frog’s Legs heroically, COMMONERS exit.  BUTTERCUP enters right to music and does a little dance.  D’ARTAGNAN staggers on right with a saddle on his back.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Buttercup, you’re a lovely girl but I really think that I’m supposed to ride you, not the other way around.  (takes saddle off his back and drops it to floor and straighten back painfully)  This is taking political correctness too far.  (looks around)  Well here we are Buttercup, the beautiful city of Paris.  It’s been a long journey but we made it, all we have to do now is find the headquarters of the Musketeers and join up.  I wonder which way it is, there doesn’t seem to be anybody about to ask.   (CONSTANCE enters from the Frog’s Legs and begins clearing tables.)  Hello, who’s she?  If all the women of Paris are as beautiful as she is then I think I’m going to like it here.  

 ATHOS enters from Frog’s Legs and sits at one of the tables.

 ATHOS:  You, wench, bring me ale and mutton.

 CONSTANCE:  I’m just clearing tables, sir, when I’m done…

 ATHOS:  Stuff the tables, serve me woman!

 D’ARTAGNAN:  I say, how rude, not like a Frenchman at all.  (steps towards ATHOS)  Sir, I demand that you apologise to the lady at once!

 ATHOS:  Away with you boy, I’ve no time to have words with the likes of you.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  I put it to you sir, that you are the rudest man I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

 CONSTANCE:  I don’t know who you are but I can look after myself.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  I am D’Artagnan, my lady and I will make this swine pay for his rudeness.

 ATHOS:  Swine?!  If you were old enough to grow your first beard then I would answer you with my sword!

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Don’t let my age fool you sir, I am perfectly capable of facing you in honourable combat, name the time and place.

 ATHOS:  The old cathedral, noon.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  So be it, sir.

 ATHOS:  Ha!

 ATHOS exits left.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Ha!  Fear not fair maiden, at noon I shall fight for your honour or die trying.

 CONSTANCE:  (angrily)   I don’t know who you think you are but I don’t need anyone to fight for my honour!

 D’ARTAGNAN:  I was merely…

 CONSTANCE:  …looking after the weak little woman, I know, I noticed.  Paris has enough problems without people like you strutting about staring duels all over the place.

 CONSTANCE exits to Frog’s Legs just as PORTHOS is entering from Frog’s Legs his arms laden with food, CONSTANCE barges past him making him drop food onto floor.

 PORTHOS:  Fool girl, I ought to tan your hide for that, tan your hide I say!

 D’ARTAGNAN:  I wonder sir, at what manner of man threatens a lady?

 PORTHOS:  A man who has just lost his dinner, not that it is any of your business, boy!

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Well by the look of your belly sir, I believe she did you a favour, you could do with losing the weight.

 PORTHOS:  How dare you, sir!  I will make you pay on the end of my sword for such an insult!

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Name the time and place, sir!

 PORTHOS:  The old cathedral, noon!

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Er, I can’t make noon, how about a quarter past?

 PORTHOS:  Very well sir, a quarter past it is!  Ha!

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Ha!

 PORTHOS exits right.  MIMI enters from Frog’s Legs.

 MIMI:  Bonjour boys and girls.

 AUDIENCE:  Bonjour Mimi.

 MIMI:  I’ve come out to see what all the commotion is about.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Forgive me madam, I believe I may be the cause of it.

 MIMI:  Oh, well aren’t you a polite young man, you must be foreign.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  It is true I am not from Paris, madam, I have only recently arrived and I’m looking for a place to stay.

 MIMI:  Well look no further love, The Frog’s Legs always welcomes polite, young gentlemen such as yourself.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Sounds perfect, though I think I may have unintentionally offended one of the girls who works here.  

 MIMI:  Oh don’t worry about her, she’s always snapping at people nowadays.   I’ll send someone out for your horse, love.

 MIMI exits to Frog’s Legs.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Well Buttercup, that’s one problem solved, we have somewhere to stay, all I need to do now is to survive these two duels and find the Musketeers and then all my dreams will be fulfilled.  (ARAMIS enters from Frog’s Legs)  Ah, stableman, it’s about time, make sure she’s well housed and see if you can find her some oats, there’s a good fellow.

 ARAMIS:  I beg you pardon?

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Are you dense man?  Look after my horse.

 ARAMIS:  Your horse?!   How dare you, sir!

 D’ARTAGNAN:  It’s a perfectly reasonable request from one of your station.

 ARAMIS:  I wouldn’t look after the finest racehorse in the land, I most certainly will not look after this nag.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Nag?!  You scoundrel!

 ARAMIS:  Scoundrel?!   Can you speak with your sword, sir?!

 D’ARTAGNAN:  I can indeed, sir!

 ARAMIS:  Very well, the old cathedral, noo…

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Perhaps half past noon would be better?

 ARAMIS:  Very well, half past it is.  Ha!

 ARAMIS exits right.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Ha!  Crikey, three duels in one day, I’m going to have to start being more careful or I won’t survive long enough to become a Musketeer.

 CONSTANCE enters from Frog’s Legs.

 CONSTANCE:  I’ve come to take care of your horse.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Oh, hello again.   Look, I would like to apologise about before, I really didn’t mean to offend you, I was just trying to get that man to apologise for his rudeness.  I’m afraid it kind of spiralled out of control.  (muttering)  Three times.

 CONSTANCE:  Well as long as you don’t go around starting fights all the time, I’ve far more important things to do than sew up your wounds.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  No, after today, I really don’t think I’ll be starting any more duels.  (muttering)  I haven’t the time.

 CONSTANCE:  In that case I accept your apology.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Great.  Allow me to introduce myself properly, I’m D’Artagnan.

 CONSTANCE:  Pleased to meet you, my name’s Constance.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  A beautiful name, for a beautiful lady.

 CONSTANCE:  I’ve heard that one before.  (BUTTERCUP nudges CONSTANCE)  And who’s this?

 D’ARTAGNAN:  This is my mighty warhorse, Buttercup.

 CONSTANCE:  I’m very pleased to meet you Buttercup, though I think Buttercup is a bit of a silly name for a warhorse.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  I’m afraid I named her when I was little, but I think she likes it.    

 CONSTANCE:  In that case I like it too.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  She can still fight though, can’t you girl. 

 BUTTERCUP nods.

 CONSTANCE:  Really?  I’d like to see that.

 Unnoticed by D’ARTAGNAN, BUTTERCUP goes and stands behind him with her back to him.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  (importantly)   I’m afraid that won’t be possible, you see battle is a very dangerous business and even under strictly controlled conditions demonstrations can be…(BUTTERCUP kicks D’ARTAGNAN in rear)  Ow!  Buttercup!   

 CONSTANCE:  (laughing)   Oh bravo, Buttercup, I think we’re going to become best friends.  (BUTTERCUP goes to CONSTANCE and she strokes her)  So, what brings the two of you to Paris, D’Artagnan?

 D’ARTAGNAN:  (rubbing rear)   I’ve come to join the Musketeers.

 CONSTANCE:  The Musketeers?   I’m afraid you’re too late, the Musketeers have been disbanded.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Disbanded?   Why?

 CONSTANCE:  The Cardinal Richelieu has replaced them with his own men, they’re led by a man called Rochefort and hold the whole city in a grip of fear.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  But why would the King allow such a thing to happen?

 CONSTANCE:  He has no choice.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  Are you sure about all of this, you seem awfully well informed for a serving girl.

 CONSTANCE:  (tartly)   It’s common knowledge, everyone in Paris knows about it.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  I meant no offence, Constance, it’s just that after everything that I’ve been taught about the Musketeers I find it hard to believe that they would just surrender to the Cardinal.

 CONSTANCE:  I know, all they do nowadays is drink too much and fight duels.  Anyway, I’d better get Buttercup stabled, she looks starving.

 CONSTANCE leads BUTTERCUP off right.

 D’ARTAGNAN:  This is terrible, the Musketeers disbanded, the Cardinal’s men all over Paris, this isn’t what I expected.   But this is one Frenchman who won’t bow to the Cardinal, I don’t care what it takes I will become a Musketeer!

 SONG 4  D’ARTAGNAN heroic number.

 Song finishes, sound of clock chimes.

 What, noon already?  Curse these duels, they’re cutting into my singing time.

 D’ARTAGNAN exits right.